Counselling and Therapy:The 'Nitty Gritty' of Life

Getting Over a Break Up

2012-02-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

The end of any relationship is tough. Along with the disappointment of a failed union, there are the dashed hopes and dreams for the future. We also face the unknown and the inevitable questions "Will I be alone forever?" and "Why can't I make relationships work?"
It is easy to blame ourselves but there are so many variables involved in the break up of a relationship and often a large proportion of that has very little to do with us.
For example - perhaps our ex partner had commitment issues or was someone who was emotionally unavailable. In these instances, it doesn't matter how wonderful or alluring you are because the other person is just not ready/not willing/unable to fully appreciate your loveliness.
A break up usually has more to do with the dynamics/interaction between two people not being right rather than one person being flawed or defective.
Never take a break up personally (unless of course your behaviour directly influenced the break up eg abusive behaviour - which is not what I am referring to here).
Try to be philosophical about the ending of a chapter and the beginning of a new, better one. One in which you are now free to find someone who is better suited to you.
It is also very normal to start forgetting about the bad stuff and concentrate on what was good and what you miss about the relationship. A good way to help you to get through is to write a list soon after the break up. List all the reasons why the relationship wasn't working. Read this list when you feel your strength wavering.
Know that you will have bad days but also know that the bad days won't stick around forever and that you will most certainly feel happy again.
Tell yourself that life is unfolding as it should..this always brings me comfort..

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Emotionally Unavailable People

2012-02-22T05:09:00.003-08:00

We've all met them, or perhaps you feel you might be one yourself. Someone who just isn't in tune with their real feelings. They tend to rationalise life too much and for whatever reason, keep their emotions locked up and inaccessible. (Often this is a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt and/or rejected but it is often counter-productive).
They're good 'on the surface', will say the right things and in all probability will do the right things initially too.
But when the pressure hits and commitment is required they run for the proverbial hills. It's a sad fact of life that as we get older we tend to accumulate more emotional baggage and the 'scars' of life can cause many of us to build self-protective walls around ourselves. The problems start though when you become too efficient at building walls and don't let anyone in. It will make for a lonely existence.

Emotionally unavailable(EU) people like their space. I am not referring to the healthy alone-time that people enjoy, I am referring to emotional-space, a compulsive urge to avoid emotional intimacy.
Have you ever heard anyone says "Yes, I was in love but didn't realise it at the time"? Well - that's a good example of emotional unavailability. This goes hand in hand with emotional intelligence and those that are EU tend to lack empathy, do not understand their own range of emotions and function on a substandard level which is unhealthy and not conducive to happy lasting relationships.
They like the thrill of the chase, infatuation and lust they can definitely deal with.

You cannot change other people, you can only control your reactions to what other people do. So with this in mind, it would be prudent to talk to your partner if you feel they are holding back. Tell them exactly what it is that you would like from the relationship (assuming that you have know this person a while and didn't meet them yesterday!)and listen carefully to their response.
Listen to your inner wisdom and intuition, you will know deep down if something is not right but in many instances we ignore this wise voice in favour of the potential of finding love.
Maintain your independence and never give up your life for someone else. Not only is this a short sighted plan but no one wants to be with someone clingy and/or needy.
Finally, sometimes a person will love you in their way and just the fact that they regularly want to see you and have you in their life will be a strong indicator. Decide if you are able able to live with someone who isn't demonstrative or as expressive as you would like.
As a general rule, the longer someone keeps coming around, the fonder they will become of you and sometimes with emotionally unavailable people, this fondness inadvertently grows into love despite the walls they have built around themselves.
M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Counteracting Depression

2012-01-31T03:42:00.000-08:00

Counteracting Depression

People who suffer from depression tend to be introspective. They attribute all failures to their own shortcomings/inadequacies and all successes are attributed externally. By this, I mean that they often do not give themselves credit for any success in their life, explaining it away as “luck”, or “because someone else made it possible”. This ends up in self-defeating thinking, a “no-win” situation with neither thought process serving one’s self esteem in a positively reinforcing way. This can often lead to the person feeling powerless and ineffectual in their lives which further compounds the cycle of negative thinking.

· Monitor Your Thoughts (Basic Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy)
One of the most effective ways to counteract mild to moderate depression is to monitor thought processes more closely. Keeping a daily diary is a good way of becoming more aware of the negative self-talk that we all tend to have going on silently in our minds.
The trick is to be aware when you are berating yourself and/or using irrational thinking that does not serve any benefit to you. You could have thoughts about yourself that were told to you as a child. For example, “you’re useless”, “you’re not good enough”...there are a myriad of examples of negative inner self talk that we can repeat to ourselves day after day.
The result of this continuous negative talk is that these thoughts take on a life of their own and aren’t challenged anymore. They become “truth” when in fact there often is no evidence to support these incorrect outdated thoughts about yourself.
Identifying these ill-serving thoughts is the first step in stopping the negative downward spiral of pessimistic thinking. It will drag you down and has no advantages to you wellbeing. You need to:
IDENTIFY the negative, outdated thoughts
CHALLENGE these thoughts. Where’s the evidence? Where did this thought come from? Was the source reliable? Often you will find that the source (eg a parent,care giver) had their own issues and these words were not meant at all.
REMOVE these thoughts and replace them with more appropriate ones. Eg “I am not good enough” is replaced by: “I am worthy as I am”
IMPORTANT: Thoughts lead to feelings. Feelings lead to behaviour. Allowing positive thoughts to stay and weeding out the negative, critical thoughts will lead to more positive feelings, a lighter happier mood and more positive, optimistic behaviours and outlook on life.

· Healthy balanced diet:
A healthy, well balanced diet that boosts the consumption of vitamins and minerals is beneficial for mild/moderate depression.
Choose Wholegrains, Fruits and Vegetables. Avoid refined foods such as white sugar, flour. wholegrains, along with fruits and vegetables, contain vitamin B1, folate and zinc, all of which have been shown to improve the mood of depressed patients. There is some evidence that people with depression respond better to treatment if they have higher levels of vitamin B12.
Consume Protein. Especially consume regular amounts of oily fish with Omega 3 in it, such as sardines and kippers
Rehydrate Regularly – drink 8 glasses of water a day. Avoid alcohol.

· Exercise
Research suggests that 30 minutes of exercise a day, for at least three to five days a week, can significantly improve symptoms of depression. Exercise can provide a distraction from your worries as well as improve your general health and fitness levels which automatically leads to an improvement in mood. During exercise endorphins are released which add a “feel-good” factor to your body chemistry. Exercise can also assist with getting rid of built up stress and frustration and can help you sleep better.
It may seem impossible to get moving when you feel depressed but some studies have shown that exercise can improve your mood for up to 12 hours. It’s worth giving it a go!!

· Connecting with others
It may seem the easiest course of action when feeling depressed is to ‘hibernate’ and cut yourself off from friends and family. This is often the worst thing you can do as it leaves you more time to think, more time to get ‘bogged’ down in a quagmire of negative thoughts. “Circular thinking” often characterizes a depressed person’s thought processes – this type of thinking does not have a solution-focus to it, rather it is a downward spiral that leads further down into the ‘dark pit’ with even less chance of pulling yourself out of it alone. Being with others, as hard as it may be, really does help. It may be the LAST thing you feel like doing but studies have shown that in over 90% of cases – when they socialised their mood improved. So take the ‘Leap of Faith’ and mix with others. You don’t have to be the life and soul of the party but just taking a break from your thoughts and isolation can bring tremendous relief.

· Good Night’s Sleep
Sleep can often be disturbed when one is troubled by pessimistic thinking and low mood. Sometimes sleep is too inviting and an easy escape leading to too much sleeping. At other times, one can be so agitated that sleep is inadequate which will lead to irritability and will negatively affect an existing low mood. Try to get a regular eight hour’s sleep per night. Establish a routine that your body can get used to.

· Limit contact with negative, “toxic” people when you don’t feel mentally strong
When feeling depressed it is important to limit your time with people that drain your energy. They could be friends/family that are bitter about life, constantly criticise others, judge unnecessarily and generally offer what I call a “toxic environment”.
Some people are difficult to avoid for whatever reasons but just try be aware of their effect on your own mental state and try to avoid them as much as possible or limit contact with them when you are feeling emotional or mentally vulnerable.
Positive, optimistic people give off a different energy and this will feed your mood and contribute to raised optimism.
Mandy x
All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Guilt

2012-01-26T10:33:00.000-08:00

What is Guilt?

According to the dictionary, guilt isdefined as a "feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense,crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined." A guilty conscience is justthat, a component of our human conscience that condemns us for our thoughts,words and actions. This innate ingredient acts as our moral judge that gets usto realize that we acted outside of our norm. This moral judge serves us wellwhen we truly have fallen short but when it is just a misperception of somethingwe did it can slow down our progress in life.

There are several kinds of guilt.

Introspective Guilt This guilty feeling is necessary for bringingawareness to our actions and making us realize where we fell short. It nags atus, giving us that strange feeling in the pit of our stomachs until we havecorrected the problem.

Perceived Guilt This is false sense of guilt for feelingresponsible for something you didn't do. The negative emotion that surroundsyou leaves you unable to forgive yourselves for something you perceived you didthat was wrong. It can lead to feelings of shame and worthlessness that canresult in depression and the inability to stay focused on what is important toyou. This kind of guilt has the power to destroy you and must be addressed atonce. Your perception may be terrible skewed and getting some outside input canhelp in having a clearer perception on the issue.

Retrospective Guilt This guilt can last for years to come and damageyour psyche. Its causes you to relive the past believing that there wassomething you should have done to prevent some previous event. This guilt cancause you to lose self-confidence and self-esteem and interfere with yoursuccess. We all have experienced things in our past that we may not be proudof. Beating yourself up for something that happened in the past that may noteven have been your fault is a waste of mental energy. If this kind of guilthaunts you, it may require the help of a professional to assist you in comingto terms with it.

Religious Guilt Fear of punishment from God results in strongfeelings of guilt. Peoplewith a strong religious upbringing are conditioned to quickly feel guilty for fear that they may have sinned. As a child Iwas raised in a very strict religious home. So strict I couldn't even wearslacks because they are a man's apparel. I heard "no" or "youcan't" quite often. As I grew into adulthood, my perception of normalthings were so skewed that I experienced unnecessary guilt. This moral guiltcan affect one's emotional state of mind leading them to believe they are"bad", which is what I felt for many years. The internal labeling canweaken the human spirit and result in feelings of shame. Speaking to an objectiveprofessional can help to remove many of these guilty feelings created by therules of religion.

Guilt must be put it its properperspective in order for us to grow from it and not succumb to negativefeelings that can hinder our success in life. Let us dissect the dynamicsbehind a guilty conscience so we can see guilt in its proper light.

Guilt Can Sabotage You

A chronic guilty conscience has theability to hold one back from achieving their goals in life. As you hold on tothe guilt it can slowly undermine your capacity to think and function on anormal level. You may begin to act in ways that are uncharacteristic of you.You may even undergo personality changes, believing something is wrong withyou.

Here are some ways that guilt cansabotage your future. It can

· destroy your self-esteem

· erode your self-confidence

· cause you to become your worst critic

· cause you to lose self-respect

· distort your perception of self

· obstruct your ability to make decisions

· create self-doubt

· cause you to be unforgiving of self

· bring about fearfulness

· cause irrational thoughts

· cause paranoia

· cause you to ignore self

· cause feelings of worthlessness and shame

· send you into a state of worry

· generate anxiety and panic

· trigger depression

The above are only some of thepsychological effects that guilt can have on you. This does not even take intoconsideration how this emotional state of mind can also affect one's physicalhealth.

Guilt is a normal emotion. However, itcan turn on us if we allow it to consume our minds. Remember, although guilt isself-imposed it is so powerful that it can influence your life in ways that candestroy you. All your plans and goals for the future would have to be put onhold as you become paralyzed by your guilt.

Use this information to examine yourpsychological condition. Are you someone who carries a lot of unnecessaryguilt? If so, begin by making the decision to regain your emotional health byfirst identifying the guilt that consumes you.

Remember, the way you respond to guilt today candetermine your success for the future.

Letting go of Guilt

We all have felt guilty of something wewished we did not do or say in the past. The regret we feel stays with us longafter the event occurred and guilt takes up residence in our minds. Guilt issomething we can become susceptible to if we continue to live with regrets.Guilt is a result of standards and expectations we have set for ourselves as wellas the standards and moral expectations of society and the culture in which welive. Let us look at some ways of letting go of guilt.

The first step is to dissect the issueyou feel guilty about. Do you truly deserve to take responsibility for the eventsurrounding the guilt? Have someone help you to objectively determine if youdeserve to take responsibility for such event. If you are not responsible, thenreturn it to the person who needs to accept the responsibility and let them ownit. If you are responsible, work to resolve the issue. Humble yourself andapologize. Learn the lessons to be learned from the experience and move on.Once you have done your best to resolve the situation let it go. There isnothing more you can do.

The next step is to examine your moralstandards and value systems. Are your standards defined by religion or culture?Are your standards defined by you? You must first identify your personalstandards and expectations. Sometimes we hold ourselves to such high standardsthat we become guilt ridden when we can't live up to them. If you are notliving up to your self-defined expectations then you must make the effort toimprove in this area or reexamine your standards. Strive to be the best you canbe but at the same time give yourself some wiggle room - you are human andprone to make mistakes.

The third step is forgiveness. You mustlearn to forgive yourself of past shortcomings. No one is perfect. We allstrive to be our best and to do the best we can and part of maturing meansmaking mistakes. Recognize that you have said or done things in the past thatyou were not proud of and make a decision to be more mindful of your thoughts,words, and actions in the future.Guilt and regret should be used to bring this awareness to you so you can rightthe wrong, forgive self, and change your future.

Finally, focus on ways to improve yourlife. Do some introspection and grow from the experiences surrounding yourguilty feelings. Usethe guilt as a means of creating positive changes in your life. Allow your vibrant self to shine again. Guilt is awaste of brain power - Sometimes it's difficult to recognizehow guilt ridden we really are or even how to work past the feelings.
Mandy x

.All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Head versus Heart

2012-01-25T04:29:00.000-08:00

One of the most annoying comments that I often hear directed at meis "You're a psychologist so you shouldn't have any problems".

There is this unspoken pressure to be perfect and to possess thisall-knowing wisdom at any given time in life. I only wish it really was thateasy!

Imagine if everyone on the world studied and succeeded inobtaining a Psychology degree in order to make the world a perfect, mistakefree place - yeah right.

The trouble is, humans have an innate challenge that constantlyundermines our efforts to deal with life efficiently. That is: the paradox thatexists between the brain/mind versus the heart.

When we are able to be objective (brain/mind) it is easier to make decisions. When there is emotion involved (heart) our judgement tends to go awry.

That is why people are often better at helping others than themselves. Emotion complicates matters as we attach subjective meaning to events and often don't perceive things as they really are. Cognitive distortions take place and we can end up really going off track, making all sorts of assumptions and distressing ourselves in the process.

With this in mind, it's important to try to be as rational as possible when making decisions and when assessing situations. What are the facts? Where is the evidence for your thinking?

Is there another way to look at the situation?

Whilst this can't eradicate all of our personal filters that we use to perceive, it can help to engage our rational left-brain and encourages better outcomes

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Negative Automatic Thoughts

2012-01-23T02:39:00.000-08:00

Did you know that you have negative automatic thoughts (NAT's) every single day? We all do. Whether it's chastising ourselves over being late, spilling our tea/coffee or just making an error in judgement, we all do it to a certain degree.
Think about the long term effects of talking negatively to ourselves. That continuous inner stream of negative self talk. It would destroy anybody.
The trick is to start becoming more aware of what the content of your thoughts are. This is the first step to counteracting this negative phenomenon.
"Oh I feel so lazy today. What's wrong with me?" - This is a good example. There is nothing "wrong" with you but we internalise laziness as a fault within us rather than just allowing ourselves to have a less pressured moment/day. Instead of asking what is wrong with us, it would be far more beneficial to say something like "I am feeling very lazy right now but there are many times when I work so hard and therefore I deserve this bit of time off"
I encounter NAT's ALL THE TIME when chatting to my clients and most of the time they are not even aware of their NAT's as they have become so much a part of their 'make up', a normal part of their day.
"Do better, be better, achieve more, compare...compare" - all self defeating behaviours. Don't engage in them. it is of no benefit to you. There are other ways to motivate yourself that are much kinder and encourage healthy self esteem and confidence
After the first step of identifying your NAT's (write them down if necessary), look for alternative ways to talk to yourself. Is there another way?
Instead of "you are fat and lazy" how about "I may not be perfect but I am very good at....." or "I could lose some weight and I am working on this but it doesn't mean I am not valuable, or wonderful in many other ways". I am not saying that you should not want to improve but rather that starting at a place
where there is healthy acceptance of "what is" will get you much further than starting on the back foot of "I am not good enough", for example.
Focus on strengths and minimise weaknesses...the key to healthy self confidence
Watch those NAT's and challenge...challenge..challenge

There are NO excuses for talking down to yourself - EVER....reframe your thinking. It will change/affect your life experience not just your internal dialogue. :)

Mandy x
All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Stop Tolerating and Make Changes - Be Brave!

2012-01-20T02:24:00.000-08:00

Many of us tolerate things in our lives that drain us or no longer bring us joy - for instance, a bad relationship, a job or an unhealthy behaviour.
The usual reason for this acceptance is fear. But you cannot find what you want whilst you are still entrenched in tolerating. A leap of faith is required to end one set of circumstances. This removes negative energy and resistance in your life and allows more positive, fresh energy to enter into your life.
Once your focus is away from tolerating, and the resentment that brings, you free up your consciousness and time for more positive forces to enter into your life. This may all seem like hocus pocus but it is based on the psychological concept of "cognitive bias". We tend to notice that which we focus upon. If we are in an unfulfilling job, this may take up our thoughts. For example "I hate my job. My friend Mike seems to have a much better job and he gets paid more". You may notice stories in the media about bad jobs or just be more on the lookout for ideas and concepts that confirm your resentment about work and how unfair the world is.
so, basically, you will be living at a lower level of energy awareness - looking for things that confirm your current state of mind.
It's time to quit tolerating, end one chapter so that a new one can begin. This is a test of your courage!

Can you prove that you won't settle for less? Do you think you have what it takes to regain control and set yourself of a new more rewarding path?

If you can manage your fear and stop thinking about what could go wrong, you can. Don't be afraid of new opportunities, that is what life is about - instead, be afraid of staying in your comfort zone and accepting that which no longer works for you...

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

World Gone Mad?

2012-01-19T10:02:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or has the whole world gone crazy when it comes to appearance? Wrinkles seem to have become extinct and if you have them..you feel about fifty years older than anyone else in the vicinity.
When I turned 40 last year, I must admit that I, too, decided it was time for a little intervention. I tried botox on my forehead and ultimately decided that it wasn't worth the £300 I paid for it. It didn't make a huge difference to my face and I became convinced that one of my eyelids had become a bit droopy!
I tried it and for now, I am not thinking of having anything more done.
Despite my initial resistance to the whole cosmetic surgery boom, I can't help but feel that there is increasing pressure, especially on women - although men feel it too, to look as perfect as possible.
Research shows that better looking people get paid more, get offered more jobs and supposedly have more opportunities in life than their less perfect compatriots.
It seems almost impossible to resist this pressure and stay true to whatever nature intends for you.
I am even unsure of what is real and enhanced anymore...plastic boobs seem to be more common than natural boobs these days and I also worry that my boyfriend will expect me to look as good as the women on TV, in the movies and in the glossy mags. I keep having to remind him of airbrushing!
So, the inevitable onslaught will continue and we will have to fight harder to stay true to ourselves...or give in and have the surgery whilst admitting nothing....
Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Who are you Questionnaire

2012-01-19T03:03:00.000-08:00

Want to know more about what's really going on for you?

Try this questionnaire (costs £10) and receive a personalised report from Mandy:

http://www.askmandy-onlineadvicecolumn.com/page2.htm

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Counselling in Surrey

2012-01-19T02:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone is looking for comfort in a world that offers no real security or guarantees. Counselling can help to meet this need in many ways. A well trained counsellor will be non jugdemental and will make you feel as though your hour per week (on average) is a safe, soft place to fall where anything goes..well, almost anything! There are not many places/situations that offer this unconditionally.
So many people keep up a facade and chug along through life - not really getting to know themselves or ever really stopping to figure out whether they actually enjoy their lives and enjoy what they do every day.
It astounds me at how many people function on superficial levels and don't address the really important underlying issues such as:
Who am I? What makes me happy? Do I enjoy my life? Do I like myself? Do I know what I really want?

It is so easy to get caught up in the routine of life: work, paying bills, acting like everything is fine (yet drinking too much alcohol, overeating, having affairs etc!), keeping up appearances and functioning on the outside, whilst slowly dying on the inside.
Therapy helps to create a more wholesome you - a person that is congruent internally and externally - this is the secret to contentment and peace of mind

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Gratitude

2012-01-18T03:27:00.000-08:00

The human brain's default position seems to lean towards negativity. That is why it is a good idea to keep a gratitude journal. Every evening or morning, take 5 minutes to think of 5 things (or more) that have happened in the last 24 hours that were positive.
As long as it left a positive impression, it counts.

Good examples:

The sun is shining (yes, it can be as simple as this), a stranger smiled at you, you were on time for work for once, someone let you into the queue of traffic ...and so on

This subtle mind programming helps you to notice things in life that are neutral or positive and can lift your mood...
Give it a try!!

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Men and Women & Relationships

2012-01-17T03:06:00.000-08:00

A recent feature in therapy sessions has been the discussion about how men and women think differently.

In particular, men can compartmentalise. A female client recently complained– “I wish I could go to sleep on an argument,but I can’t. My partner can though. How does he do that?”

Men seem better able to block or separate areas of their life – work, home, etc

I often hear female clients complain that their male partners do not text them or contact them during a working day. They then automatically assume that because their men do not contact them they do not care or do not feel anything.

This is completely irrational – most men just don’t tend to think in this way.

Many male clients tell me that when they are at work they are in “work mode” and attend to the task at hand. Perhaps this relates to the old hunter-gatherer debate. Men are more task orientated whereas women tend to take on more info, they can be at work but still have thoughts of their loved ones regularly throughout the day.

Embracing our differences and working as a team is the best way forward!

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Depression

2012-01-11T01:30:00.000-08:00

The sad fact about depression is that many people suffer from it but not everyone recognises that they are depressed. They try their best to continue life as normal whilst chastising themselves for not being as efficient as usual.
The truth is, being seriously depressed can be as debilitating as a physical illness. If you break your leg, you go see a doctor and get it put into a plaster cast until it heals or you make sure you have crutches to help you get around.
Depression often does not get treated in the same way and it can seem a lonely isolating illness until it is effectively dealt with.

symptoms of depression:

Finding it difficult to get out of bed on a regular basis
Not enjoying things you used to gain pleasure from
excessive sleeping or disturbed sleep
Sort temper or irritability
Difficulty concentrating
Anxious thoughts or excessive worrying

Depression usually has very little to do with a specific event. A specific event may certainly trigger depression but being depressed is different to being unhappy.
Being unhappy can normally be linked to, for example, not being able to afford your favourite outfit or missing out on a great social event. Depression goes much deeper.
Don't be a martyr - get help.

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Happy New Year 2012

2012-01-11T01:19:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year..here's hoping that 2012 is the start of great changes in your life. Even if they come about slowly, I hope that you begin to see progress and are able to work towards your dreams.
In keeping with this theme, over the Xmas period I put together an e-book entitled "How to improve your life now".
In fact, I am so pleased with it that I keep a copy in my top bedside drawer and I have been dipping in and out of it to keep me ahead of the game and to help me manage life better.

If you would like to read it and have your own copy for reference, go to this link.

http://www.mrsite.co.uk/usersitesv35/AskMandy-OnlineAdviceColumn.com/wwwroot/page2.htm

The book costs £3.50 to download.

Mandy X

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Taking Risks

2011-12-14T06:39:00.000-08:00

I think it is important to take calculated risks in life. Everyone of us has the fear of failure and rejection but if you never try, how you will you find out what your true potential is?
When taking a risk, it is important to have a healthy attitude toward "failure". Seeing it as a way to learn and improve rather than internalising and personalising the failure is the correct way to go about it.
Failure should be seen as giving up altogether.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, give yourself a brief pep talk, if required, and then get back out there.
You would be amazed at how many times successful people have taken risks in the past and how many times they have failed and had to try again.
Don't give up, believe in yourself, like and respect yourself, don't take "no" for an answer and keep trying.
If you never take any risks, you will remain small and may feel cheated at the end of your life.
What have you been wanting to do for a long time but have never managed to do?...Now is the time, book that lesson, call that person, whatever it is..take the risk and know that you cannot lose unless you give up completely or never try in the first place.

Mandy x
All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

LH67 - Types of Help

2011-12-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

Life Habits pod cast series: Free to subscribe:

LH67 - Types of Help

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Are you a victim??

2011-12-09T14:35:00.001-08:00

20 Questions to Determine Whether or Not You Set Yourself Up to be a Victim

Is it easier for you to stay silent instead of asking for what you want?
Do you believe the lyrics of the old Dean Martin Song; You're Nobody Until Somebody Loves You? So you end up feeling bad about being single.
Would you be convinced to leave your friends behind ending up isolated?
Are you too committed to pleasing others?
How desperate are you to be loved?
Do you swallow your anger?
Are you able to say NO, and to set limits & boundaries?
How over responsible are you?
Do you suffer from exaggerated guilt?
Do you feel appreciated in your own life or are you hungry?
Do you end up feeling lost in relationships?
Are you afraid to disagree?
Are you an extreme caretaker who does not take care of yourself?
Are your relationships follow a lopsided pattern where you do too much catering to the other person?
Do you apologize so often it's become a habit?
Are you easily taken in by others, perhaps a bit sappy?
Do you allow others to suffocate your own spirit or creativity?
Is it easy for you to hang onto false hopes & ignore your own suspicious inner voice?
Do you minimize your problems in relationships & avoid addressing them?
Are you too eager to forgive?

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Emotional manipulators

2011-12-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

Ten Ways to Recognize Emotional Manipulators

Emotional manipulators often begin by being charming, but they are never really accessible.
Too early in the relationship, your every need seems to be filled.
They lie by exaggeration, distorting the truth & by omission.
You notice that you end up apologizing a lot!
The manipulator persuades you to do things you would not normally do.
You constantly have second class status & your opinion is never really good enough.
The manipulator has huge reactions that are way too big over small irritations.
Manipulators promise a lovely future that never materializes.
The manipulator is successful when they give only vague indications that something is bothering them & you jump to fix it for them.
Problems are never the manipulators fault, they never take responsibility & are always quick to blame you.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

The Drama Triangle - Rescuer, Victim and Persecutor

2011-12-09T13:44:00.001-08:00

The Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor Triangle is a psychological model for explaining specific co-dependent, destructive inter-action patterns, which negatively impact our lives. Each position on this triangle has unique, readily identifiable characteristics. Whenever a person becomes entangled in any one of these positions, they literally keep spinning from one position to another, destroying the opportunity for healthy relationships. The good news is that once a person becomes aware of these positions and chooses to break this cycle, they can transcend the V-R-P Triangle. Resolving these dysfunctional behaviours is one of the main keys for healing ourselves and creating healthy relationships. After describing each position and showing how each position relates to the others, I will describe how to break free of this triangle's destructive patterns.

The Victim - Victims honestly believe they have no power and that nothing positive will ever happen for them. Their focus is on the past and negativity. They spend endless hours talking about their problems, their bad luck and how they have been hurt. They are depressed and wallow in self-pity. Their suffering is their identity. Things are never right and there is never enough. They feel helpless, hopeless, reacting rather than responding in a healthy way to the world. They always need something more before they are willing to take responsibility for their life, to take any action, to change or to heal - more love, more attention, more time or more information. They tend to be confused, living in constant fear of making a mistake or looking foolish. They always have an excuse for inaction. Apathy, depression and anger are typical symptoms. Even when something good starts to happen, they will tell you "I know it won't last" and, as they predicted, it soon ends in failure. After spending time with a victim you feel worn out, depleted and depressed from their negativity. You may feel as if your energy has been drained from you. Regardless of how much time, information, energy or support you provide Victims with, they seldom change. It is important to remember that people only change when they are ready to take full responsibility for all of their thoughts, words, actions and creations - till then, there is little positive momentum!

The Rescuer - Rescuers believe they have all the answers and know the right solutions for others. Although their own lives are often in shambles, they spend hours, days, weeks or even years attempting to change, control and to get love from others. Rescuers frequently wear a false cloak of power and superiority, always appearing to be confident and in control. Rescuers love to take care of and direct the lives of other people. Through controlling and changing others, Rescuers attempt to gain a sense of identity as well as to gain love, attention and respect. They pretend to know more than other people and frequently have an answer for everything, even though they have little, if any, actual knowledge or experience regarding the subject. A Rescuer, on the surface, looks like the "good guy/woman" and is often depicted in movies as the "hero" wearing a white hat and riding a white horse. Rescuers are personified and glorified as saviours or white knights saving others from distress and evil. Without someone, something or a cause to Rescue, these people are lost and jobless! They don't realise they need to rescue themselves!

The Persecutor - Persecutors blame others for their upsets. Here both Victims and Rescuers, become Persecutors, venting their frustration, anger and resentment at others, blaming others for their negative feelings. Rather than taking personal responsibility and walking away from the person who they accuse of irritating them, they stay locked into the destructive patterns, antagonising and attacking the "source of their frustration." The Victim is angry with the Rescuer, claiming they push too hard, demand too much, bring up pain, pressure them to change, etc." The Rescuer is angry with the Victim for not appreciating, not understanding or not changing fast enough, making comments such as "if only you had taken my advice, if only you would listen, change and do what I say ... etc." Persecutors punish others through destructive actions such as dominating, controlling, nagging, belittling, shaming, blaming and humiliating. A Persecutor needs to disengage, to focus on taking care of themselves and getting their own life in order!

Breaking The Cycle - Simply becoming aware of and understanding these patterns are good first steps. Once we are aware of our patterns we can choose to help ourselves to change, to break free and to step off the triangle. Understanding that most "Professional Victims" really do not want help, nor do they want to change, makes it much easier to avoid getting caught up in their games. They might want your attention, time, love, support, money, energy and nurturing, however few "Professional Victims" are really willing or committed to making the effort and taking the actions required to actually change their circumstances. They are masters at the game! That is where the term "Professional Victim" comes from. Oddly enough, when you reach out to help a "Victim," telling them that they are beautiful, intelligent or fully capable of being happy and achieving love and success, the Victim will often argue with you, telling you all the reasons why they are not, cannot - and why your suggestions will not work. Their constant focus is on their past, their problems, fears and failures. I love Richard Bach's famous quote from his book "Illusions" - "Argue for your limitations and they are yours!" This statement says it all!

Rescuers, people who initially appear to be so caring and self-sacrificing, are often dysfunctional. This is especially true if they are playing the role of Rescuer in an attempt to feel good about themselves, to gain attention, love, feel more powerful or to control others. Oddly enough Rescuers are seldom happy in their own personal life and their relationships are usually in chaos. They never seem to be able to use all their "supposed knowledge" to heal their own lives.

Victims and Rescuers are drawn together to play out their game. They need each other. After their initial joyful honeymoon, a time during which each is able to "Star" in their favourite role, they soon tire of this very demanding and exhausting game. When either person, or both, gets bored with the game and wants to change or stop, or even to heal themselves, they frequently end up Persecuting each other rather than seeking healthy ways of interacting. Any change can trigger a conflict because the "Game" and the "Rules" have changed. Both the Victim and the Rescuer have a vested interest in keeping this "Dysfunctional Game" going. If they end it and heal, who would they have to play with? Taking personal responsibility and identifying ones own innermost wants, needs and desires is not the strong point of any of the positions on the triangle.

Society has programmed us with the dream of being rescued. Books and movies are filled with Victim-Rescuer stories like Cinderella, The White Knight on the White Horse, Superman and Rambo. Some people spend their entire lives waiting for someone or something external, such as the right relationship, marriage or even having a child, believing this will somehow magically fix everything, saving them and providing the perfect solution to all their problems.

Getting Off The Triangle - The first step is to ask, "What is my motivation for acting the way I do? Am I consciously acting out of choice and giving freely, or are my actions designed to change, control or get love from others? Do I give and do things freely, with love, or do I have expectations? The minute we expect things in return from people, we are being dysfunctional.

The key to getting off the triangle is to change from external referencing (the unhealthy and dangerous pattern of looking outside of ourselves for answers, solutions, love, our identity and happiness) and to start internal referencing. To accomplish this a person must stop looking outside and be willing to become still, quiet their mind and to go deep inside to get in touch with their authentic self, to receive their answers and solutions. Healthy relationships include honour, respect, sharing and communicating. To accomplish this a person must be willing to energetically stay present, to tell the truth as best they can, to be independent, and to take absolute and total responsibility for every aspect of their life, including their time, happiness and success.

The Victim must stop looking for someone or something outside them to fix them, to give them the answers or to give them the love and support they need. The Rescuer must stop trying to change, control or get love from others. Both must learn how to love, honour, respect and support themselves. Persecution, blaming others, only creates further negativity and never accomplishes anything positive. Each of these unhealed positions leads to even more serious challenges.

To break free, improve your attitude towards change, control, risk and responsibility. Make peace with and welcome change, see life as a grand adventure rather than a prison sentence to be endured. Remain open, spontaneous and curious, like a playful child. Permitting yourself to be imperfect and feel out of control allows you to feel, risk, try new things and go to new places. Breaking free of old patterns allows the opportunity for profound transformation. Eventually, most people realise that they can never change or control anyone, except themselves. Attempting to manipulate, change, control or to force others to love you is insanity! It never ever works!

A simple, easy formula for learning to connect with yourself, is to STOP, take a few very slow deep breaths, disengage from any trauma/drama, become still and then ask yourself - (1) What am I feeling right now? (2) Ask yourself, where in my body am I feeling it? Take a moment and really feel all of your feelings without judgement. (3) In this moment, what is the single most important thing I can do to take care of myself? What is it that I truly want, need or desire? (4) What positive changes can I make in my life, right now, that would assist me to accomplish this? (5) What positive actions can I take, right now, that would best support my healing process - and allow me to take total responsibility for my life? (6) What positive actions can I take to continue to support myself as I risk, learn, change and grow? (7) What can I do, right now, for myself that would be positive kind, loving, gentle, nurturing and supportive? (8) What goals, dreams and objectives would I like to achieve and in what time frame? (9) What are the positive things in my life that I am grateful for? Make a list every day! (10) Ask, decide and choose - What are the most important actions can I take, right now, to start my life moving in a positive direction? (11) Take positive action and start moving right now. Keep your focus on where you would like to go and who you would like to become - not where you have been!

Graduating to Self-Mastery - Taking Complete Responsibility for Everything You Attract and Experience - To take a quantum leap forward and move into Self-Mastery, imagine yourself gently rising above the apex of the highly emotional, trauma/drama dysfunctional positions on the triangle. From this detached, non-emotional vantage point, allow yourself now to look down and simply observe the games you and others have been playing.

If you are willing, honestly ask yourself, "What part am I playing in all this? In what ways am I still on this triangle? Am I a helpless Victim or am I somehow, consciously or unconsciously, creating this? What is it that I really want, need or desire for myself and from others?" When we move away from feeling powerless and blaming others, to the place of focusing on what it is that we truly want, need and desire, we have the opportunity to take powerful life-affirming positive steps.

One of the ultimate positive steps is to move from believing that we are at "Effect" (the world does things to us and therefore we have no choice or responsibility) to the concept of "Cause" (our thoughts and actions create our reality, hence we are ultimately responsible for everything we experience in life). This shift in perception is so profound that it can literally move a person completely off of the triangle! To achieve Self-Mastery, simply stop what you are thinking and doing, shift your focus to one of taking total responsibility for creating everything that you are experiencing in your life and start asking, "Why am I creating this? How am I creating this? What can I do to change this? And, finally, to ask, how can I take positive action to create something more harmonious, more positive?"

This article was written by

Michael Bradford, MA - Motivational Speaker

International Business Consultant & Intuitive Healer based in London, England

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Independent Article:

2011-12-08T15:07:00.001-08:00

Mandy quoted in The Independent: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/open-relationships-love-without-strings-6272702.html

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Parenting Tips

2011-12-08T02:18:00.000-08:00

In his book The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides tips and guidelines based on some 75 years of social science research. Follow them and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg, a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and encourages a desire to achieve.

Here are Dr. Steinberg's 10 principles of good parenting:

1. What you do matters.Whether it's your own health behaviors or the way you treat other people, your children are learning from what you do. "This is one of the most important principles," Steinberg explains. "What you do makes a difference...Don't just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?"

2. You cannot be too loving. "It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love," Steinberg writes. "What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love -- things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions."

3. Be involved in your child's life. "Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs to do. Be there mentally as well as physically."

Being involved does not mean doing a child's homework -- or correcting it. "Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not," Steinberg says. "If you do the homework, you're not letting the teacher know what the child is learning."

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child. Keep pace with your child's development. Your child is growing up. Consider how age is affecting the child's behavior.

"The same drive for independence that is making your 3-year-old say 'no' all the time is what's motivating him to be toilet trained," writes Steinberg. "The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table."

5. Establish and set rules. "If you don't manage your child's behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren't around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.

"But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg notes. "Once they're in middle school, you need to let the child do their own homework, make their own choices and not intervene."

6. Foster your child's independence. "Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she's going to need both."

It's normal for children to push for autonomy, says Steinberg. "Many parents mistakenly equate their child's independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else."

7. Be consistent. "If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child's misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it."

8. Avoid harsh discipline. Parents should never hit a child, under any circumstances, Steinberg says. "Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children," he writes. "They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others."

"There are many other ways to discipline a child -- including 'time out' -- which work better and do not involve aggression."

9. Explain your rules and decisions. "Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to," he writes. "Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn't have the priorities, judgment, or experience that you have."

10. Treat your child with respect. "The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully," Steinberg writes. "You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others."

For example, if your child is a picky eater: "I personally don't think parents should make a big deal about eating," Steinberg says. "Children develop food preferences. They often go through them in stages. You don't want to turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Just don't make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods. If you don't keep junk food in the house, they won't eat it."

http://www.medicinenet.com/parenting/article.htm

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Love Addiction

2011-12-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

Background/Theories as to why love addiction develops:

Love addiction starts to develop during childhood. According to John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory - the earliest bonds are formed by children with their caregivers and the quality of this relationship has a tremendous impact that continues throughout life and affects adult relationships as well.

The central theme of attachment theory is that mothers who are available and responsive to their infant's needs establish a sense of security in their children. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world. Mary Ainsworth expanded on this theory and described three types of attachment: secure (where the mother is consistent with care), anxious ambivalent (where the mother was inconsistent and not often available for the infant’s needs thereby ‘teaching’ the child that the world is not always going to meet their needs) and finally – anxious avoidant (the result of abusive or neglectful caregivers/parents).

Generally love addiction will be more likely to occur in adults who experienced either an anxious-ambivalent or an anxious-avoidant childhood.

According to some theories – the type of attachment alters the way the brain develops in infancy and this in turn can affect the receptors and hormones and can lead to deficiencies in brain chemistry which in turn can lead to a predisposition to love addiction. (The book “Why Love Matters” by Sue Gerhardt elaborates this theory if you want to know more).

The attachment bond is the term for our first interactive love relationship—the one we had with our primary caregivers as infants, usually our mothers. This mother–child attachment bond shapes an infant’s brain, profoundly influencing your self-esteem, your expectations of others, and your ability to attract and maintain successful relationships. So, the success or failure of your first love—the attachment bond—has a life-long effect on you and your relationships.

The media and the Hollywood version of love and romances perpetuates the myth. The idea that we should fall in love and it should be romantic and perfect doesn’t help the situation. People want to feel that all consuming love as it equates to happiness and high levels of dopamine. In reality, this doesn’t last anyhow – research has shown it lasts between 18-24 months (the high levels of dopamine and oxytocin).

Signs and Characteristics of Love Addiction:

Lack of nurturing and attention when young
Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
Compartmentalization of relationships from other areas of life
Outer facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
Mistake intensity for intimacy (drama driven relationships)
Hidden Pain
Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at any cost
Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
Depressed
Highly manipulative and controlling of others
Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, on a par with food and water
Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner
Feelings that a relationship makes one whole, or more of a man or woman
Escalating tolerance for high-risk behavior
Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
Continual questioning of values and lifestyle
Driven, desperate, frantic personality
Confusion of sexual attraction with love ("Love" at first sight.)
Tendency to trade sexual activity for "love" or attachment
Existence of a secret "double life"
Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
Defining "wants" as "needs"
Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)
Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately

Types of love addiction

Love addiction often appears as a way to deal with fears of abandonment. The most common type of love addiction is the Codependent Love Addict: They generally suffer from low self esteem and have a certain predictable way of thinking, feeling and behaving. Due to their insecurities and low self esteem they try desperately to hold onto people by rescuing, caretaking, passive-aggressive controlling or by accepting neglect and abuse from a partner. They will do anything to take care of their partners in the hopes that they will not leave them.

Other types of addicts: relationship addicts (will stay even if the relationship is making them unhappy), narcissistic love addicts (use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners) and ambivalent love addicts: : ALAs suffer from avoidant personality disorder. They don’t have a hard time letting go, they have a hard time moving forward. They desperately crave love, but at the same time they are terrified of intimacy.

Torch Bearers are ALAs who obsess about someone who is unavailable. This can be done without acting out (suffering in silence) or by pursuing the person they are in love with. Some Torch Bearers are more addicted than others. This kind of addiction feeds on fantasies and illusions. It is also known as unrequited love.

Saboteurs are ALAs who destroy relationships when they start to get serious or at whatever point their fear of intimacy comes up. This can be anytime—before the first date, after the first date, after sex, after the subject of commitment comes up—whenever.

Seductive Withholders are ALAs who always come on to you when they want sex or companionship. When they become frightened, or feel unsafe, they begin withholding companionship, sex, affection—anything that makes them feel anxious. If they leave the relationship when they become frightened, they are just Saboteurs. If they keep repeating the pattern of being available/unavailable, they are seductive withholders.

Romance Addicts are ALAs who are addicted to multiple partners. Romance addicts are often confused with sex addicts. However, unlike sex addicts, who are trying to avoid bonding altogether, romance addicts bond with each of their partners—to one degree or another— even if the romantic liaisons are short-lived or happening simultaneously. By “romance” I mean sexual passion and pseudo-emotional intimacy. Please note that while romance addicts bond with each of their partners to a degree, their goal (besides getting high off of romance and drama) is to avoid commitment or bonding on a deeper level with one partner.

A Note about ALAs: Not all avoidants are love addicts. If you accept your fear of intimacy and social situations, and do not get hooked on unavailable people, or just keep your social circle small and unthreatening you are not necessarily an ALA. But if you eat your heart out over some unavailable person year after year, or sabotage one relationship after another, or have serial romantic affairs, or only feel close when you are with another avoidant, you may be an Ambivalent Love Addict.

Chemical Component:

Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement

The problem here is that this state and those chemicals are extremely addictive. Once you’ve received a dose, you need to get more and more otherwise you face very heavy withdrawal symptoms, including anxiety, depression and others. This is what very often leads to ‘rebound-relationships’ – by feeding your addiction a new dosage of the drug you avoid the withdrawal. In extreme cases, this can lead to a succession of relationships each few days up to few weeks in length, until each of them runs out of love – fails to produce that chemical reaction any further – and How exactly is this any different from alcohol, tobacco or heroin addiction? Extreme sports? Online gaming? They all share, to bigger or lesser extent, the search for repeat of a feeling and the search for the next high.

Let’s take a few steps back. Can such physical connection, such lust lead to lasting relationships? A relationship is a two-way street – both parties have to have a mutual interest in it for it to work. So is this chemical reaction which we call love mutual? The one feeling it definitely wants it to be, believes it to be. How else could they? If they didn’t, if they accepted that the other person isn’t feeling that way, that would immediately lead to realization that they’ll never be able to completely acquire their target into their life, which in turn would instantly lead to withdrawal symptoms described above. A rather typical addict behavior, to distort and change the reality, to see what they want to see, isn’t it? It’s much easier to believe that they feel the same; bask in their presence, turn into a pink macaroni for a while, close your eyes and float in the clouds. Even if it’s for a day, a week or a month.

So we’ve established that this chemical reaction is personal, only within your own brain and is one-way. We also know it’s addictive, it’s rather draining to be in that state for long time and that the other person does not feel that way. All in all, this means that any relationship built upon this is doomed from the get-go since it’s not a two-way street – the one under the spell will always be at a disadvantage, in fear of losing their precious. Usual behavioral patterns for such a person in a relationship include being overly protective, paranoid, suspecting. Side-effects also often include nightmares involving their partner, usually themed around the target leaving them. This is clearly an unhealthy relationship and an unhealthy way to live.

By the way, in a rare chance where both parties would have the same chemical reaction, it would lead to a very high-energy, stormy and powerful relationship yet still filled with distrust, paranoia and suspicion – because both parties would be too much in love, but at the same time also consumed with fear of losing the other person. Again, not a healthy and in the long term very draining way to live. Notice how “fear” keeps coming up again and again?

So what would a normal relationship be like? A normal, healthy relationship would be built upon being comfortable around each other, trusting and relaxed; where all involved parties can be themselves without pretending or worrying what the other person might think about them. There is no butterflies in the stomach feeling in such a relationship. There’s no fear either. It’s a relaxed co-existence.

Now, if you’re going to argue that that’s not love, you’re going to be right on the mark. Because you don’t want to have love in a relationship – at least not in the sense it’s usually understood as the addictive chemical imbalance in your brain. So we’re not going to call that love, we’re going to call this emotion comfort. That’s what you’re looking for.

So the last question remains. Can you go from the initial primal, physical, chemical attraction to a comfortable, relaxed co-existence? The answer is yes, however it requires that the object of the love recognizes that chemical imbalance in their partner and cares enough to help the love-sick person work out and through their problem. Because we already know that you really don’t want your partner to become (or remain) distrustful, paranoid, fearful and suspicious.

If we notice that, if we notice that our partner is deeply in love with us and is exhibiting those abnormal symptoms, we shouldn’t get angry at them, we shouldn’t yell at them; they really can’t help it. Think back to when you were in that position, perhaps in an earlier relationship that didn’t last. Think what that person whom you were in love with should have done to build comfort with you – to calm your fears, to address your insecurities, to make you relaxed – and then do those things to help your partner reach that balance, relaxed state of brain-chemistry. Only then can the relationship become normal, healthy, relaxed and comfort has been reached.

Love is an addictive chemical reaction in your brain, emotionally sharing a lot of similarities with fear. It’s a drug, an unhealthy and addictive mental state; it is very difficult to build relationships upon that, impossible without a lot of mutual cooperation. Recognize it in yourself and in others around you; conquer it in yourself, then help others do the same.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Manipulation

2011-12-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

Manipulative people do not have a very strong sense of self. They also don't know how to use the healthy form of being assertive in order to get their needs met.
Instead they will resort to subversive tactics in order to get their way.
Often, these people will have hidden agendas and will try to control the situation through passive aggressive means. This means they will offer subtle resistance in order to get their way.
Manipulation is about control and we are bombarded by manipulation daily - through the media, through politicians, advertisers etc
Always ask yourself - "is this really something I want to do?" If it isn't, try to understand why you are doing it. Is it emotional blackmail? Do you feel a sense of guilt and responsibility? What is really going on?
Now there are times in life when we do have responsibilities to attend to but manipulation is different. It is more about getting you to meet someone's elses' objectives.
In order to avoid being manipulated, nurture a strong self identity. Focus regularly on your values and goals. Ask yourself who will benefit...
If you are feeling resentful in life, it is highly likely that it will be due to manipulation. Be alert and be aware of what is important to you.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Practical Tips for reducing anxiety/sadness

2011-11-25T03:06:00.001-08:00

I was having a ‘down’ day recently (we all get them!) and thought I’d share with you a strategy that often works for me.

Three things:

1) Acceptance – accepting the good and the bad of your current life circumstances. This doesn’t mean giving up or becoming passive but rather it helps you to gain perspective by accepting that life is inherently tricky and challenging at times. Making peace with the situation can decrease the anxiety associated with the issues. Accepting what is rather than going into victim mode (ie. “why me?” “it’s not fair” ...)

2) Mindfulness – try to stay in the present moment and engage all of your senses in your surroundings. Focus on the noises, the smells, the sights etc..try to keep your mind from straying. Often, we find our mind wandering to the future where we start to make anxious predictions about what might happen. Be aware of this inner chatter and refocus back to your surroundings – the present.

3) Unhook from your thoughts – be aware of your inner critic and/or negative thinking. Acknowledge the thoughts but try not to ‘buy’ into them. Don’t accept them as fact or reality. They are only your perceptions and assumptions and not necessarily the true representation of what is actually going on.

Mandy X

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Mid Life Crisis

2011-11-18T04:29:00.000-08:00

If you are going through midlife crisis, you might experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life
Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or they can be brought on by external factors.

One external factor can be debt. The availability of credit has become easier in recent years, through credit cards and telephone/internet loans. This has made it easier to accumulate debt, and many people turn to debt consolidation or debt management services in order to find their way out of difficulty.

Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.

However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.

If you do understand the process of midlife transition, it can make it easier (though still not easy) to navigate your way through it.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Stop living in fear and embrace life

2011-11-09T04:02:00.000-08:00

Too many of us live our lives in the shadow of fear and insecurity. What if we fail? What if we are rejected? What if we make a fool of ourselves?
And...so what if you do? Is it the end of the world? Armed with a sense of humour and a bit of bravery we can experience more and actually enjoy/participate in life instead of watching it from the sidelines.
Sometimes you have to jump into the unknown and accept uncertainty. Stop letting your history rule your decisions, rather practice self acceptance, openness, ambiguity of content and clarity of purpose. Let go of the internal struggle and live. Be less concerned about being right and more concerned with living a full life, seizing opportunities.

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Are you emotionally available?

2011-11-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

When we are emotionally available, we are able to tune in and empathise with others. When we are in tune with ourselves and others, our relationships are richer and we feel more connected to the world around us.
Becoming emotionally distant from others and the world around us is often a defense mechanism to keep out emotional pain and sadness but in the process we can develop a 'hard outer crust' that also separates us from the good relationships, love and caring from others.
When was the last time you cried? If it was a very long time ago, it is likely that you have learned to hide/suppress your feelings and although this helps in the short term to avoid bad feelings it can end up causing more problems than it solves.
If you feel emotionally withdrawn, it might be a good idea to find a counsellor who can help you to get to the bottom of why this has happened.They will also be able to help you find ways to restore your emotions and help you reconnect.

True living comes from feeling a part of things, being connected with others - that's what makes us feel truly alive.

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

12 Core Boundaries To Live By in Life, Dating, & Relationships

2011-10-16T10:32:00.001-07:00

1. Under no circumstances will I date someone who is married or has a partner.

This also rules out people who have just separated, have been long term separated with no actual divorce on the horizon, and who are not over their ex.You are not a buffer/emotional airbag. You’re not someone to pass time with while they figure out what they do and don’t want, and the moment that you involve yourself in any of the above situations, the person knows that they don’t really have to do anything. If they lie to you and let you think they’re single, abort mission.

I should also remind about ‘lender awareness’ – do not allow yourself to be in a situation where you are sharing your man, whether it’s because you turn a blind eye to his cheating, or you keep letting him break up with you and then take him back once he’s got her/them out of his skin…which brings me neatly to…

2. I will not spend my time waiting around, whether it’s for their calls, or for them to show up after they’ve disappeared, waiting for them to come back, waiting for them to turn into The Man I Think He Could/Should Be, or waiting for them to decide if they want to be with me – I’m not putting my life on hold for anyone.

When a man is interested, you are in no doubt about their interest and they don’t run the risk of losing you. You have to stop acting like every guy could be the one and like there’s a fire – there isn’t. You deserve better than someone’s half hearted interest and there is no excuse for any man keeping you waiting around. He snoozes, he loses. The sooner they experience this, the sooner they learn to treat the women they date with more respect.

This also means you will avoid being in barely there, ‘non-relationships’.

When someone’s interested in you and wants a relationship, you know you’re in that relationship and it’s not ambiguous or a secret.

And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, wait around for someone to decide whether they want a relationship with you. Don’t demean yourself!

3. I will not continue engaging in any relationship where either they or I don’t treat me with love, care, trust, and respect.

Start as you mean to go on. Even though love is not there from the outset, there is no excuse for someone not to treat you with care, trust, and respect. It’s called integrity and decency. By the same token, if loving them means you can’t love you, always choose you. Do not erode your self-esteem by disrespecting yourself in a relationship. If you don’t treat you decently, others won’t. This is a fundamental part of having boundaries. If you can’t date with self-esteem, don’t date until you can.

4. I will not continue dating someone who reveals themselves to be a Future Faker or a Future Avoider.

Whether they tell lies about the future to get what they want in the present or they just refuse to talk about the future, if you’re involved with Pinocchio or you’re with someone who can’t see their way to making plans with you, cut them off as soon as this becomes evident.

Some people just can’t help but talk themselves up a storm at the beginning. They believe their own hype and overestimate their interest and end up making promises they can’t and won’t deliver on. Watch how quickly their personality switches or they disappear when they’re expected to deliver. Don’t waste your life waiting for them to become the Person They Were In The Beginning.

If someone is reluctant to talk about the future, it’s because they don’t want to give you the impression that you’re in it or they don’t want to accidentally commit and give you the wrong idea.

5. I will not date someone who controls the relationship on their terms – I must be in mutually fulfilling, balanced, healthy relationships.

Plain and simple, if you are not on an equal footing in the relationship and one person is dictating the temperature and pace and deciding what does and doesn’t happen, you are in an unhealthy relationship. You’ll know it’s only their terms when you try to instigate your own or balance things out – they’ll shut down/disappear/get confrontational or pretend to agree and then revert back to doing their own thing.

6. I will not allow someone to use me for sex, devalue me sexually, or treat me in a less than manner.

It’s your prerogative to have casual sex but you should only be doing so if it’s what you actually want and are not building up feelings. You cannot work your way up from booty call to girlfriend. Likewise, if your relationship is all about the sex and you want more than this, opt out. Don’t let someone use you as a sexual plaything or degrade you – you must have limits.

7. I will drop guys who manage the bulk of the communication in our relationship by text, email, or instant messenger, like a hot potato.

There is no excuse for this lazy communication and it’s the hallmark of emotionally unavailable people who want to keep themselves distant. It’s not modern relationships and dating – it’s modern booty calls and half hearted interest. It says, I’m not interested enough to actually make a proper effort with you.

8. I will not allow lies to foster my interactions, whether it’s being in denial or listening to bullshit, being fed lies, or getting the truth distorted.

Feet in reality, shed the fur coat of denial and keep yourself on a Bullsh*t Diet. Don’t let anybody dripfeed you the truth, twist it around, or repeatedly lie to you and get caught out. If you accept it, they’ll think they have license to keep lying to you. People who have integrity and respect you don’t lie to you.

9. I will not pursue someone who has either directly or passively rejected me.

Trust me, you know when someone is not interested or is half hearted and using you for what they can get, or has outright turned you down. If they were interested, you wouldn’t still be chasing them!

This means no pursuing them after they have turned you down, been half hearted in their interest, shagged around on you, not bothered to call you, pit you against other women and certainly no chasing someone to convince them that they should be interested in you. You have more self respect than this and you don’t need to be the equivalent of a used car salesman forcing yourself on someone.

10. I will not play Florence Nightingale because it is not my job tofix/heal/help the Walking Wounded, which means no partners with substance dependency/abuse and no partners that have issues that prevent them from healthily engaging in a relationship.

Everyone has issues but there’s baggage and there’s baggage. Let them sort out their own problems and don’t hide behind theirs. Always acknowledge the red flag that is a dependency on something or emotional/behavioural issues that prevent a healthy relationship. If you ignore, you’ll make the ill advised assumption that your feelings cancel out your concerns – they don’t.

11. I will not date an assclown – someone who is unkind/cruel, lacking in empathy, and at best takes advantage and at worst, abuses me.

When someone treats you poorly, it’s not going to get better because you claim to love them but it will get worse if you stick around. Check out my post on red flags as well.

12. I will not make up excuses for other people’s behaviour or make exceptions to my boundaries. My boundaries are non-negotiable!

Do not treat your partners like children even if they act like it. Don’t make it up as you go along either and come up with your own reasons for why you think they behave as they do. That’s projection. Respect your own boundaries, so that either others do, or you recognise when they don’t. But do not make exceptions because you will keep lengthening your yardstick. This guideline also applies to when they ask you to make an exception to your normal rule of behaviour – someone who genuinely has your best interests at heart will not expect or demand that you do something outside of your normal behaviour.

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/12-core-boundaries-to-live-by-in-life-dating-relationships/

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Abusive Relationships - The Warning Signs

2011-10-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGN_tzmM6Fk

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Resilience

2011-10-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

Two different executives lose their jobs. One sends out thousands of resumes, receives little response, and is angry and bitter. The other returns to school, changes careers and creates a new professional life. Why is one executive stuck in an unhealthy pattern, while the other is able to adapt?
According to Mary Lynn Pulley, a Center for Creative Leadership adjunct faculty member and author of Losing Your Job - Reclaiming Your Soul: Stories of Resilience, Renewal, and Hope, the difference has to do with resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity. It is what allows us to recover from change or hardship. Pulley says resilient people demonstrate flexibility, durability, an attitude of optimism and a mindset that is open to learning. A lack of resilience is signaled by burnout, fatigue, malaise, depression, defensiveness and cynicism.
Resiliency can be developed by modifying both our thoughts and actions, Pulley explains. By modifying our thoughts, we broaden our outlook and become less narrowly focused - and better able to adapt to change.

Try to become more resilient by developing in the following areas:

First, become a continuous learner. Learn new skills, gain new understanding and apply them during times of change. Many managers resist learning new approaches and hold onto old behaviors and skills even when it's obvious that they don't work anymore.
Next, find your sense of purpose. Develop a "personal why" that gives your work meaning or helps you put it into a larger context. Take charge of your own development, both on and off the job. To achieve some degree of resilience, separate who you are from what you do.
Another way to become more resilient is to cultivate relationships. Develop and nurture a broad network of personal and professional relationships. Personal relationships also create a strong base of support - a critical element in achieving goals, dealing with hardships and developing perspective.
Question (and even change) how you define yourself or your career. Reframe how you see your skills, talents and interests. By casting your skills in a new light, you can see how they might shift into new patterns of work and behavior.
Lastly, become more resilient by learning to re-think money. What does money mean to you? While money is important for meeting basic needs, resiliency is not tied to net worth. However, living beyond your means, or even to the very limit, undermines your flexibility in the face of change.

Research by psychology professors Richard G. Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun shows that not only do we have the ability to grow through the challenges of our life, what they call post-traumatic growth, but the benefits of doing so include improved relationships, new possibilities for our lives, a greater appreciation for life, a greater sense of personal strength, and spiritual development. Not bad rewards, I’d say.

So how do we cultivate resilience? Psychology professor George Bonnano of Columbia and other resiliency experts say it comes from a combination of 5 factors:

1.) a commitment to finding meaning in what’s happening to you

2.) a belief in your capacity to create a positive future

3.) the willingness to grow

4.) the choice to laugh

5.) practicing gratefulness

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Control and Taking Responsibility

2011-10-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

We are far more in control of our lives than we think. Often though, we seem to find excuses and reasons for why we aren't in control, why things can't be changed. We do this because if we really accept that we have the power to change things, there will no longer be excuses as to why we haven't taken action and we will only have ourselves to blame.
We can go for that job we want, we can ask that person out or leave a relationship that is less than satisfying.

Taking responsibility for ourselves, our lives and our decisions may be scary but it can also be incredibly liberating and empowering. Often the anticipation is worse than the actual event and when we take responsibility and do whatever is necessary to achieve our goals, it can enthuse us and fill us with a sense of renewed purpose.

Don't make excuses for yourself and stop worrying about what others think. Get clear about what you really want in life and create and action plan. Go for it - you can do it!

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Positive Psychology

2011-10-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

Positive psychology is a science of positive aspects of human life, such as happiness, well-being and flourishing. It can be summarised in the words of its founder, Martin Seligman, as the ‘scientific study of optimal human functioning that aims to discover and promote the factors that allow individuals and communities to thrive

Martin Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, stunned his audience by saying psychologists had missed a trick. Rather than devoting attention to lives that had gone desperately wrong, psychologists should change tack, focusing instead on people for whom everything was going well. While psychologists knew virtually all there was to know about depression, he said, they knew almost nothing of the secrets of a happy life. Discover what they are and it might give you a recipe that people could learn to make themselves happier and more satisfied with their lives.

"What we've found is that if someone is happy with life, they are more popular. We all like hanging around with happy people," says Baylis. "They are also more productive, healthier and live longer. Every positive you can think of, they come up trumps, so it has to be an aim worth having."

Psychologists have known for some time that optimism is a good defence against unhappiness. "If you're optimistic and you think life is going to get better, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy," says Baylis. "You will involve yourself more, you'll put yourself forward more, you will take more care of yourself. You'll figure that if you do more exercise and not booze as much, life will be better."

But some of us are just not natural optimists. What are we supposed to do?

Positive psychologists believe optimism can be learned, that we can teach ourselves to see a half-empty glass as half-full. All we have to do is spend time mulling over all the things that have gone right for us, rather than dwelling on what has gone badly. Research on depression shows that one of the biggest causes of depression is ruminating about something that went wrong in the past, says Baylis. "What happens is you look into the past and think about some event and keep turning it over, saying, 'I messed up, I messed up,' and you let it hurt you. You keep feeding it the oxygen of attention and the flames keep burning you."

But just as dwelling on negative events can lead to depression, dwelling on things that have gone well can help pick you up, he says. "You have to thank your lucky stars about what goes right on a daily basis. Whenever you get the feeling of being negative about things, just take a moment out and remind yourself of the stuff that has gone well. It could be anything from a conversation to your garden looking nice, or that it didn't rain on you when you were out on your bike. It's an extremely powerful technique."

And, says Seligman: "I used to think that all you had to do to get a happy person was get rid of the negatives in their life, but if that's all you do, you don't get a happy person, you get an empty person. You need the positives too."

By reminding ourselves what went well instead of what went wrong, positive psychologists believe we can build a buffer against unhappiness, making us better able to take life's knocks when they come.

Seligman believes there are three routes to happiness, which he calls the "pleasant life", the "good life" and the "meaningful life". Some are better than others, although a mix of all three is ideal. The pleasant life sees superficial pleasures as the key to happiness, and it is this that many people mistakenly pursue, he says. "The biggest mistake that people in the rich west make is to be enchanted with the Hollywood idea of happiness, which is really just giggling and smiling a lot," he says. While a life bent on instant pleasure and gratification offers some degree of happiness, it is ultimately unsatisfying on its own, he says.

Money, it turns out, isn't the answer either. Seligman believes that once we have enough to pay for life's basics such as food and a roof over our heads, more money adds little to our happiness.

To be seriously happy, Seligman says, we have to set our sights on a good life and a meaningful life. To do this we need to identify what he calls our signature strengths, which could be anything from perseverance and leadership to a love of learning. (Seligman has set up a website, www.authentichappiness.org which allows people to take a test to find out their top five signature strengths.)

Seligman says that once we know our signature strengths, using them more and more in our daily lives will make us feel happier and more fulfilled. By exploiting our strengths, he says, we will find life more gratifying and become completely immersed in what we are doing, whether working, making music or playing sport - a state positive psychologists call "flow".

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2003/nov/19/1

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Self Belief

2011-10-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

Life is inherently structured to bash confidence out of you. It's during the times when the going gets tough that we need to find strength within, be kind to ourselves and remember our good points and our strengths.
All too often, our brains go into 'default' mode and we start to focus on all that isn't good and what isn't going well in life.
This type of thinking is damaging to your mood and completely unhelpful.
Instead - remind yourself of the things you have accomplished, what you're proud of. Focus on what is going well for you and make a pact with yourself to believe that no matter what - you will always find a way.
Don't let others' negativity get you down or dissuade you. We are all on our own journeys, go at your own pace.
Be your own best friend and watch those automatic thoughts that pop into your head that don't serve you well. Reframe the thoughts to maintain a balanced perspective. Often - your thinking is just that - thoughts. Is the reality different? Is there another way to look at 'reality'?
Try the above - it'll enhance your mood!!
M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Interesting Psychological Tips

2011-10-03T03:59:00.001-07:00

From a fascinating book I've been reading: 59 Seconds by Richard Wiseman

1) Put a mirror in your kitchen if you want to lose weight. Research has shown this helps you to eat less and reach less frequently for the fridge door...
2) Put a photo of a smiling baby in your wallet - apparently a photo with a baby is more likely to be returned to you should you ever lose it. The sight of a happy baby taps into our evolutionary urges to protect the species...
3) Praise children's efforts not their abilities.
4) People who are likeable are more likely to get the job at an interview in favour of those with experience or qualifications. Seeming friendly and asking interesting questions about the company and the type of candidate the interviewers are looking for, creating rapport makes more of an impression than an ace CV
5) Admit to a weakness early on in the job interview and keep achievements till the end - has a much bigger impact. People warm to others who are willing to expose a human/vulnerable side.

Tips for today

M xx

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Self Doubt

2011-09-29T01:56:00.000-07:00

Practising as a counsellor means that I deal with other people's problems on a regular basis. This does not however mean that I am immune to problems of my own. I have moments of self doubt and have days when the tiniest trivialities worry me and cause angst ridden over-analysis.

: "Do you doubt what you already know is true?" For example, would sixth-formers doubt the fact that Maggie Thatcher was the first female prime minister of the The United Kingdom? Would a typical person doubt the name of our country: "Great Britain"?

Ultimately, it is hard to doubt what you already know is true. Therefore, one might recommend to believe, remember, recite, rehearse, repeat, or anything likewise to reinstate one's confidence in his or herself by sticking to what is really true. For instance, it is unequivocably true that "you are unique" [due to your DNA] and that "you have the power to achieve [almost] anything you can [reasonably] desire." Henceforth ...

Be confident in what you know.

Grow the knowledge of what you don't know so that you can know it.

Then, trust what you already know.

(But, just be aware that you don't become "closed- minded" too. :-)

Eventually, but usually quickly, your confidence will increase the assurance that you have made the right choice(s).
Knowledge is power ... and you can obtain it.
The choice is yours.
So, be encouraged and have an excellent day.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Mind Management

2011-09-27T03:53:00.000-07:00

We all experience tough times in life - there is no avoiding it. There is a way to make the tough times easier though and I am going to share this trick with you. As a counsellor, I spend a lot of time reflecting on the problems people experience in life. As much as I hate being down myself, it does give me a good opportunity to really feel the misery and work on my mind and thinking to alleviate the negative thoughts and despair. Our thoughts can make or break us.

Whenever you feel down or sad, tune in to what you are thinking. It is vital to focus on what you are telling yourself. An emotion/mood does not appear automatically - it is always preceded by a thought. If I ask you to feel angry, it would be impossible to access this emotion without a thought that provokes the emotion.

So...what are you telling yourself??

If your inner thoughts are making you more miserable, ask yourself why you continue to engage with them.

This is what you need to do:

Think about the situation that is upsetting you...then consider comforting thoughts that help you to feel better about the upsetting situation.
For example:
The situation - My partner is ignoring me and I feel unloved and do not feel sure of his/her feelings for me
Comforting thoughts:
He/she did call me last night and we had a very good chat
He/she is seeing me this weekend for dinner
They might be feeling worried about how I feel about them as I have been withdrawn too. I will put in a bit more effort to show how I feel.
I cannot control other people, I can only control my reactions to things
I am not going to over react and will take things as they come. One day at a time

Any thoughts that comfort you and take away the unease are GOOD for you. Write them down if necessary and look at them often.
Don't let worry and negativity dominate your mind - this will just lead to a downward spiral and make you feel worse.
Acknowledge that the situation isn't ideal but ensure that your perception and attitude to the situation is as good and working for you as much as possible.
Maintain perspective - nothing ever stays the same. Things will improve!

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Over Thinking

2011-09-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

Something that I have noticed, that seems common to many of my clients, is that they tend to go into a downward spiral when they take 'time out' from their lives. What starts off as a welcome break from the stress and hectic side of life soon turns into an unwelcome, awkward feeling associated with too much time to think.
Of course, the context to this is that there are problems to begin with that can be glossed over by being busy and distracted. Not all people who have time out get down. When the dust settles however, many people find it uncomfortable to confront underlying issues.
There is the tendency to over think things. Some call it "analysis-paralysis". Whichever way you look at it, it can end up becoming a destructive, counter productive past time.

Avoid too much rumination by filling your senses. The more your brain is occupied with seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching, the less time it will have to worry and fret.

Some worry is good of course but it works best when it is time limited, well managed and resolution focused.

There have been a number of studies over the past 20 years that challenge the view that overthinking equates to better decisions and therefore improved happiness and success. Specifically these studies have found that overthinkers are more prone to sustained sadness and negative thinking. And though it may seem that thinking through problems to the extreme would result in better decisions, overthinking has actually been shown to impair problem solving and rational thought, and interfere with initiative and motivation.

When you find yourself thinking too much, try make a determined effort to change the channel.

Here are a few tips:

Be aware of your triggers. What situations, people, places tend to cause you to worry, and think too much? Be aware of the negative energy this bestows on you and limit your time with these people/situations.
Fill your senses. Eat, watch a movie, listen to music,distract yourself.
Set aside worry-time. Set aside an hour a day ( or whatever suits you..but not more than an hour in total) to think about concerns but also come up with a plan for each worry. Rather than letting the thoughts consume you, try to manage them and find a way to resolve the issues you are over thinking on.
Maintain perspective. Try to take yourself outside of your own head and ask yourself questions like: What would I tell a friend who felt like this? Is there another way to look at this? Is there an alternative more balanced perspective that will make me feel less anxious?
Remind yourself of times in the past when you have worried and spent too much time thinking..did it solve the problem? Does over thinking help you to avoid problems in life? Highly unlikely...it is more important to find a place of acceptance.

The world is an unpredictable place. Work at fostering confidence in your abilities to handle whatever comes your way. This is far more effective than over thinking.

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Destructive Relationships

2011-09-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

What is a destructive relationship? It is a complex issue but the basic component of a destructive relationship is abuse. Physical abuse is easier to identify but there is a far more insidious abuse that often goes undetected - emotional abuse.
Does your partner erode your self esteem and your confidence? I am not talking about the odd, isolated incident but rather a pattern of behaviour that plays out over a longer time period.
Examples of emotional abuse:
name calling, criticism, control and jealousy, crazy-making, possessiveness, constant rejection, humiliation.
Often, it the abuser who has low self esteem and they use emotional abuse to self soothe, to feel better about themselves. Emotional abuse is a form of control, a way to gain your submission, to 'break' you.
When you respond, retaliate, the response is often "Oh, you are so sensitive. can't you take a joke?"
This type of response is an attempt to place the focus back on you rather than have the abuser singled out for their appalling behaviour. They can be masters at manipulation and that is why they often get away with it for so long.
They wear their victims down until they have so little confidence left and find it even harder to break free.
If your partner does not bring out the best in you ask yourself why. Have they just had a bad day (it happens to all of us) or is their behaviour a systematic attempt to control you and 'keep you small'?
They rarely change, many suffer from personality disorders (a pervasive, long standing distorted way of thinking) and leaving, unfortunately, is often the only way to escape this destructive set up.

If you need to know more about abusive relationships, see my YouTube video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGN_tzmM6Fk

Mandy x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Maintaining a Good Relationship

2011-09-12T06:34:00.000-07:00

Eight Basic Steps to Maintaining a Good Relationship

Be aware of what you and your partner want for yourselves and what you want from the relationship.

Let one another know what your needs are.

Realize that your partner will not be able to meet all your needs. Some of these needs will have to be met outside of the relationship.

Be willing to negotiate and compromise on the things you want from one another.

Do not demand that a partner change to meet all your expectations. Work to accept the differences between your ideal mate and the real person you are dating.

Try to see things from the other's point of view. This doesn't mean that you must agree with one another all the time, but rather that both of you can understand and respect each other's differences, points of view, and separate needs.

Where critical differences do exist in your expectations, needs, or opinions, try to work honestly and sincerely to negotiate. Seek professional help early rather than waiting until the situation becomes critical.

Do your best to treat your partner in a way that says, "I love you and trust you, and I want to work this out."

http://cmhc.utexas.edu/healthyrelationships.html

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Bipolar Disorder

2011-09-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

Bipolar disorder is a relatively common disorder affecting approximately 1% of the population. As the name suggests (bi) it consists of two states - one is depressive and the other is manic. Apart from these two opposite states, there can be periods of relatively stable functioning/mood in between.

There are two types of bipolar disorder:
Bipolar 1: Those with this type have had at least one manic episode and periods of major depression. In the past this type was called manic depression.
Bipolar 2: Those with bipolar 2 have never had full mania. Instead they experience high levels and impulsiveness that are not as extreme as mania.

Cyclothymia: mild form of bipolar disorder.

Manic Symptoms: (Bipolar 1, Bipolar too may have similar symptoms but they will be less intense)
The manic phase may last from days to months and can include the following:
Easily distracted, less need for sleep, poor judgement, poor temper control, reckless behaviour, lack of self control, racing thoughts over talkative, elevated mood,

Depressive Symptoms:
Loss of interest in usual activities, loss of energy,depressed low mood

During a manic episode, a person might impulsively quite a job, leave a relationship or charge up huge amounts on credit cards. They may feel rested after only sleeping for a few hours.
During a depressive episode, the same person might be too tired to get out of bed and be full of self loathing. They may feel hopeless about being unemployed or in debt...

Causes:

Genetics, environment, biochemicals
The causes of bipolar disorder aren't completely understood but it often runs in families. The first manic or depressive episode usually occurs during teenage years or early adulthood. The symptoms can be subtle and confusing. Many people with Bipolar disorder are overlooked or misdiagnosed.
However, with proper treatment and support, it is possible to lead a rich and fulfilling life.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

2011-09-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is one of the main approaches that I use with my clients. Here is a brief explanation of the basics:

The ABC model
A The activating event
B Beliefs
C Consequences

We all have beliefs about what happens to us, what goes on in the world. Dysfunctional thinking is seen as the cause of issues such as anxiety and depression and is at the heart of CBT. How we interpret our experiences and appraise life affects us more than the event itself. Thoughts are not facts and CBT helps to challenge perceptions and irrational thinking and replace them with alternative, more balanced thinking that works for us rather than against us.
This is done by completing thought records sheets (to get us in the habit of challenging and replacing our outdated thinking), engaging in behavioural experiments - ie. testing our beliefs to see if there are other ways to view things. When we fear a situation, we tend to avoid it and this is exactly what keeps the fear going. Behavioural experiments encourage us to try new things that challenge our fears and show us that often our fears are mainly thought-based, not reality based.

CBT is time limited, structured, agenda based, has homework and is collaborative between therapist and client.
Cognitive distortions and negative automatic thoughts (NAT's) play a large part in creating misery..this is a topic I shall cover in the future.
CBT therapists seek to uncover distortions and NAT's in line with our core beliefs/assumptions. this is when the real work can begin of removing old beliefs that no longer work for us.

CBT works well, is focused in the present and moves quicker than psychoanalysis.

M

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

There are very few 'absolutes'

2011-09-08T03:56:00.000-07:00

When I started studying Psychology, I naively hoped that it would provide answers to many of life's questions. I expected to learn clear formulas that could be applied to a wide variety of situations in life. Alas, this is not how it turned out. I quickly discovered that for every ten Psychologist's who postulated theory "A", there were another ten Psychologists postulating theory "B" which completely contradicted theory A. The same would occur for Theory B and so on...
I learned that there are many grey areas and a lot that we still don't know about. I also discovered that there are a multitude of variables that contribute to and cause behaviour, thinking and life as we know it.
Having said that, there are some basics that can be widely applied but they are on a very broad simple level. The more complex an issue, the more the amount of contributing variables and the higher number of explanations and hypotheses arise.
It annoys me when people assume I must lead a perfect life because I have studied Psychology. Wouldn't that be a simple solution? Everyone could study Psychology and all the problems in the world would disappear - NOT!
Psychology has given me tools and improved my awareness but it certainly does not offer clear solutions to many of modern day societies dilemmas.
I am an analyst by nature, always looking for cause and effect but always going back to the drawing board at regular intervals!
Ultimately, I believe it is about self awareness as a good starting point, an ability to empathise and an open, non judgemental outlook that starts you off on the right foot...
M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Ways to Grow

2011-09-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

Action makes the fear go away...once you have done something you feared a number of times...the fear of that particular situation goes away. Then it's time to further expand your comfort zone and move on to the next situation you fear.

Each step takes you forward...When you fear doing something and you do it anyway, you not only eliminate that fear, you get a big bonus...you do a lot towards building your self confidence.

Pat yourself on the back...notice and enjoy the sense of accomplishment you feel with each and every fear you overcome. Giving yourself a pat on the back helps to raise your confidence.

People who refuse to take risks live with an underlying feeling of helplessness which is a far more frightening than the fear associated with actually taking a risk. Fear permeates their lives.

Face life, be brave and try new things, risk a little and gain a lot

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Life is Complicated

2011-09-05T01:55:00.000-07:00

What do you do when someone doesn't treat you right? You want to feel valued and loved yet everything they do seems to undermine you as a person...
I have a few clients stuck in this situation presently. Once you are hooked in emotionally it makes it so much harder to take emotion out of the decision when considering what is best for you.
The head and the heart constantly work at odds with each other.
I have clients who stay in the most atrocious relationships because it is what they know, what is familiar and the fear of the unknown overrides any discomfort from staying in the relationship.

Keep perspective, think long term...it may be okay for now but the problems in the relationship are not going to disappear and will probably worsen over time if they are not actively addressed.
Take stock now, be brave and listen to your inner wisdom. It is always guiding you, it's just that we often doesn't listen to it.

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Rise Above It

2011-09-04T07:24:00.000-07:00

Life is a conundrum...even if you live by clear rules and try to do the right thing, that does not guarantee that anyone else will. During our lives we will all come across people who do not practise what they preach, who are dishonest, those that enjoy watching others fail and the general "down and dirty" types.
So, now that we have established that no matter who you are, you cannot escape encountering the 'mean and nasties' out there, let's consider ways to lessen their impact:

1) One nugget of comfort is to remember that those people who project nastiness and anger onto others are usually very unhappy, miserable people in themselves. When they project negative emotions on to you, they are giving you a taster of what they feel inside. Draw some comfort from the fact that these people suffer with those feelings constantly - unless or until they learnt to manage their emotions more effectively and not take it out on others. Happy, content types do not feel the need to project negativity and misery onto others.
2) Try to limit your time with bitter, twisted types. Be sure to train yourself to identify those people in your life that drain you and manage your time with them well. Some people (I call them "emotional vampires" will drain you rapidly, limit time with them).
3) Seek out those that boost your positive energy levels, inspire you and bring out the best in you! Fill up your positive reservoirs, this gives you the energy to tackle life.
4) Gratitude - tune into what IS good in your life. It can be so easy to get bogged down by what isn't working but this thinking is not at all helpful. Instead focus on all the things are working for you, however small.
5) Don't allow those that have upset you to continue to have 'power' over you by continuing to let them stay in your thoughts and upset you, long after the event. Distract yourself, go do something but above all - remember that whilst they are in your thoughts, upsetting you...the real person is off doing something else, in all likelihood not at all bothered by you. Don't let them WIN. Don't think about them..emotions lessen over time.
6) Focus on what you can control.. empower yourself and watch your thinking. Try not to put yourself down or allow your inner insecurities or fears to get the better of you. take action, minimise the worry - they are just THOUGHTS, not FACT
LET IT GO.....

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Overcoming Low Self Esteem

2011-08-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ask yourself the following questions:

What do you like about yourself, however small and fleeting? What qualities do you possess, even if less than 100% perfect?

What do other people value/compliment you on, thank you for?

What qualities and actions do you value in others? Which do you share, even if only to a lesser degree?
What aspects of you would you appreciate, if they were aspects of another person?

What do you do, that you would value if another person did it?

What have you achieved in your life, however small?

What gifts or talents do you have, however modest?

What can you do well?

What skills have you acquired? What do you know how to do?

How would you describe yourself as a...(eg. parent, partner, friend etc)?

How would someone who cared about you and was on your side describe you?

What do you do for other people, or with other people's good in mind? What qualities in you does that reflect?

Are you cruel, dishonest, unreliable...? If not, you must be something else...what is it??

In your life, what challenges have you faced? What anxieties have you tried to overcome? What qualities in you does that show?

The above questions provide subtle mind-tweaking, allowing you to tune into positive self-regard type thinking...why would you NOT champion yourself 100% If you don't then who will??

Like yourself and others follow automatically, like magic!

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Screwed up relationships

2011-08-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

Every romantic relationship is unique. Two individuals with different needs, backgrounds and expectations makes for an interesting dynamic each and every time two people 'hook up'.
People stay in unhappy relationships for different reasons...some stay out of fear ie. "I won't find anyone else, I don't want to end up alone". Some stay for financial reasons and security or for the sake of the children. Whatever the reason, it has been a topic that has continually fascinated me.

Men and women can often communicate at cross purposes which makes the possibility of long term stability more of a challenge.
Many men (and I am generalising here but it serves the purpose of identifying communication patterns) do not do "heavy". They don't want to constantly dissect the relationship, talk about feelings or the future of the relationship. They tend to prefer to take one day at a time. I see many female clients intent on describing and labeling their relationship, yet the minute they try this the men in their lives clam up. I often tell them that if you pull back a little, stop pressuring the guy and let things happen naturally, they will find that their man will come to realise, in his own time, that he really cares for the woman he is with and the commitment will naturally develop.
Many of my female clients don't get this but once they stop pushing for a "where is this relationship going" answer, the relationship automatically goes to the next level.
Bottom line: as long as a guy keeps coming around and wants to see you, run with it!

Men deem sex to be an important part of a relationship, women deem attention and feeling valued/important as an integral part of a relationship. Different needs that equal the same outcome of satisfaction - they are just met in different ways.

Communication is the backbone of a good relationship. If you feel that talking gets you no where or that you feel worse after trying to have a conversation about worries/issues that have cropped up it might be time to seek therapy.
The more negative assumptions you begin to make about your partner , the greater the resentment. Eventually all the goodwill will be eroded and then very little positive interaction will take place.
Sadly, most couples that come to see me have left it too late and it is an uphill battle to undo all the resentment and negativity.

Talk! Be affectionate! Show your partner you care - do something little for them every day. Even if it's just putting their slippers neatly at the side of their bed where they like them.

Put in the effort to see the rewards. As the saying goes - a relationship is like a garden, if you don't tend to it, weeds will begin to grow.

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Counselling

2011-08-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

Does counselling work? What is needed to ensure that therapy works at its optimal level??
The first ingredient that is essential relates to the therapeutic alliance...by this I mean the relationship you have with your therapist. Half the battle is finding someone that you connect with. With whom you feel you can reveal your fears and vulnerabilities without fear of reprisal.
Someone who does not judge you and allows you to enter into a 'safe space'.

Finding a therapist can be a very subjective experience..even therapists from the same school of thought or who use the same approach can work quite differently.
There is also a lot of conjecture as to what really works...which approach is best?
Again, there are many grey areas surrounding this and many theories for and against every single approach.
Some counsellors are directive in that they will offer you guidance and others will let you do all the talking and expect you to find the answers yourself.
I have never been a fan of this approach and although I will never tell a client what to do, I do believe that there are times in life when we are so emotionally entwined in our situations that we desperately need an objective, neutral perspective to help us find a way out.
My approach doesn't work for everyone but I have picked up on a great need for a combination of a safe, non judgemental environment in which to unravel life's problems along with the odd firm corrective nudge from the therapist in order to steer in the right direction.
Not that I have all the answers, in fact, I can be downright silly when it comes to some of my own problems but then I wouldn't be human if I never made mistakes would I?
But despite shortcomings in my own personal life, I am perfectly capable and adept at teaming up with a client to get through their issues, side by side...
M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

How to break bad habits

2011-08-22T15:01:00.001-07:00

1) How to Break Bad Habits
If you are trying to stop smoking, swearing, or chewing your nails, you have probably tried the strategy of distracting yourself - taking your mind off whatever it is you are trying not to do - to break the habit. You may also have realized by now that it doesn't work. Distraction is a great way to resist a passing temptation, but it turns out to be a terrible way to break a habit that has really taken hold.
That's because habit-behaviors happen automatically - often, without our awareness. So thinking about George Clooney isn't going to stop me from biting my nails if I don't realize I'm doing it in the first place.
What you need to do instead is focus on stopping the behavior before it starts (or, as psychologists tend to put it, you need to "inhibit" your bad behavior). According to research by Jeffrey Quinn and his colleagues, the most effective strategy for breaking a bad habit is vigilant monitoring - focusing your attention on the unwanted behavior to make sure you don't engage in it. In other words, thinking to yourself "Don't do it!" and watching out for slipups - the very opposite of distraction. If you stick with it, the use of this strategy can inhibit the behavior completely over time, and you can be free of your bad habit for good.
J. Quinn, A. Pascoe, W. Wood, & D. Neal (2010) Can't control yourself? Monitor those bad habits. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36, 499-511.

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Controlling and Abusive People

2011-08-22T14:42:00.001-07:00

A good article:

http://www.tellinitlikeitis.net/2008/02/inside-the-minds-of-angry-controlling-and-abusive-men.html

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Emotional Abuse

2011-08-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

This is an area that I specialise in, and sadly, it is an ever growing problem. Many people who are victims of this type of abuse are not even fully aware that it is going on. They know that they aren't happy and that their partner can make them so happy and so miserable in the space of minutes, yet they do not identify what is really going on. Many victims blame themselves and keep trying harder to please their abusive partner.
Paradoxically, the more they put up with the abusive behaviour, the more they reinforce it.
Abusers are all about control and very often they have low self esteem themselves and dysfunctional thinking patterns when it comes to relationships (an quite possibly other areas of their life).
They do not encourage open, easy, trusting relationships. Instead they force their will and their views on their partner. If you are in an abusive relationship, you will be emotionally attached to your abuser and he/she will use this to manipulate you. Once they know they have 'hooked' you they start the abuse.
Examples of abuse: jealousy, trying to control you - who you see, where you go, how you dress. Criticism - they undermine you and make subtle denigrating comments to 'keep you in your place'. they may even say things like "you'd be nothing without me." or "no one else would want you"
They also do not like it if they see you getting too independent or enjoying life without including them. This ignites their insecurities and they will do all in their power to bring you back under control - either by criticism, making you feel guilty, threatening to break up with you or by withholding affection.
All of the above behaviours will take their toll in the long run and cause you to lose confidence, making it even less likely for you to leave.
Please reconsider if the above is happening to you. If you think you are in an abusive relationship - do your homework, find out more...don;t stay in a relationship that doesn't support you - life's too short.
Write to me for advice...
M x
See my YouTube video on abusive relationships (Texttonicuk)

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Email to a client/Therapy Session for Everyone

2011-08-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

I sent an email to a client today in order to provide feedback after she had completed a Schema Questionnaire. This questionnaire helps to highlight distorted thinking. I started explaining it to her in the email and whilst I was typing it up I thought that the suggestions in this email just might help others. I have therefore decided to publish most of it on today's blog:

EMAIL: (names and specifics have been removed due to Data Protection).
Just to give some background on the questionnaire - it was devised by Dr
Jeffrey Young to identify patterns of thinking that we might have adopted in
childhood that persist into adulthood. Many of these thinking patterns don't
serve us later in life and being aware of which ones you have can help you
monitor your thinking, be more aware and ultimately alter them to thoughts
that help us to feel happier.

We all have certain patterns on thinking and we view the world through this
filter or schema which is based on our past experiences. Sometime though,
these thoughts limit us and many times, they are not even accurate but
because we have thought them for so long we don't ever challenge them and
accept them as fact.
For example - if you were constantly told as a child that you were useless.
you might be going through your life as an adult seeing everything you do as
useless. Now, though, as an adult, is the time to ask yourself how accurate
that is. Are you really "useless"? There must be many many examples where
you have proved that you are not useless. It also helps to look at the
source - who told you these things that you believe about yourself? Parents
don;t know everything and often, they get it wrong and cause all sorts of
confidence issues for their children by saying the wrong things. Often,
parents have many of their own issues and it's important to put them in
context and recognize their failings as parents. When we are children, we
look up to our parents and think they are almost "Godlike" but as we get
older we start to see their own failures - use this perspective to challenge
what they told you and reject the negative stuff they told you. it does not
benefit you in any way whatsoever to think badly of yourself, to be hard on
yourself.
You owe it to yourself to talk kindly to yourself, be your own best friend!
Another example: a child whose need for secure attachments is not fulfilled
by his parents may go for many years in later life without secure
relationships.
Even though schemas persist once they are formed, they are not always in our
awareness. Usually they operate in subtle ways, out of our awareness.
However, when a schema erupts or is triggered by events, our thoughts and
feelings are dominated by these schemas. It is at these moments that people
tend to experience extreme negative emotions and have dysfunctional
thoughts.

From your questionnaire, it seems as if you are very hard on yourself and
tend to talk negatively to yourself. It is time for you to start monitoring
what you are telling yourself. Tune into that inner negative critic and give
it some discipline! Imagine it to be a "poison parrot" in the room that
constantly puts you down. If it was a real parrot in your home you'd get rid
of it!! The same goes for your inner critic - replace these thoughts with
more positive, balanced thoughts.
EG. If you find yourself telling yourself (an example) "I never do anything
right"...instead of accepting that thought - and that is ALL it is - a
THOUGHT, it is NOT FACT...try challenging it
Identify times when you have done things right - you will find there are
many but you are just not used to thinking in this way...there immediately,
you have proved that thought to be incorrect and irrational. Replace that
thought with something like this:
I may sometimes make mistakes but there are also many times when I have
been successful and do things well. (if you can think of a specific example,
even better)
You will find that the more you do this, the happier you will feel. It does
take practice though!!
I will forward you a Thought Record Sheet which will help you to
monitor/write down thoughts and then challenge them.

The questionnaire has also identified that your confidence needs boosting
and it might be helpful to begin a list of all the positive attributes that
you possess. This will help you to start tuning into the good stuff and
focus away from the negatives which seems to be a default position for you.
Another thing you could try is a gratitude diary - every day, write at least
one thing in it (preferably five things though) that made you smile during
the day or that you feel particularly appreciative of.
I look at this as subtle tweaking, positive brain programming. I believe
that it forges new pathways in the brain, creates new neural pathways and
the more you do it, the more natural it will seem to you.

Building your confidence will automatically lead you to treating yourself
better and will also decrease the likelihood of others treating you badly. A
well developed sense of self means you are less likely to allow others to
treat you disrespectfully. The saying "you teach others how to treat you" is
true. People test boundaries (often unconsciously)and if you let them get
away with it, that type of behaviour toward you will probably continue.

So, to summarise:
Try to monitor your thinking. Every emotion/mood is preceded by a thought.
Identify the thought to help improve your mood over time. Use the Thought
Record Sheet to help you with this.
Gratitude Journal - to help you think more positively
List of your strengths and positive qualities
Ask others - friends/family to write a short paragraph on your positive
qualities/ Ask your children to help too
Put together a CD with happy, inspirational songs on. Music can do wonders
for your mood. In the future we can work on a specific strategy to put in
place whenever you feel overwhelmed (eg. go for a walk or put the music
on...remove yourself from the situation until the emotion subsides).

This is a good start for now.

Let me know how you get on with the above suggestions!

Kind Regards
Mandy

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Taking Responsibility

2011-08-18T14:29:00.000-07:00

We are all responsible for our choices and actions/lack of actions. Instead of seeing ourselves as victims, it is important to empower ourselves by accepting responsibility for where we are in life.
When we see ourselves as victims, we effectively give away our power. I see many clients who blame where they are in life on others - their parents, their partners and so on.
If they truly believe this, it means that they feel because they are not responsible for where they are, they are also not responsible for changing their circumstances.
This leads to hopelessness. I have watched family and friends accept the victim stance and have watched them become more bitter and resentful as they grow older.
This is sad because it is unavoidable. We all have choices. It may be easier to blame others and not deal with our situations but the ultimate loser will be the person who does nothing, who remains passive.
I do counselling with people to alter the victim mentality and to help them understand that they have the ability to change things.
You'll be amazed at what you can achieve.

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Rejection

2011-08-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

We are all so fearful of rejection that often, we don't even venture out in case it finds us. Think about it, what is SO bad about rejection? It's not the rejection itself that we fear, it's how we perceive it, what it means to us and what it says about us.
There is, believe it or not, a healthy way to look at rejection..

Being rejected does not mean you are inadequate or unloveable (the two most common core beliefs that people hold about themselves). Rejection happens to all of us for so many different reasons.
It could be that the other person lacks good judgement, they could be the one with the issue.
Even if it is confirmed that they are not interested in you and you deserve that lack of interest - would you really want to be with someone who didn't perceive you as the amazing creature that you are??

The more solid your self identity, the less rejection will affect you. Do not let rejection define you. It is a part of life and it does not lead logically to the idea that there is something wrong with you. Just see it as a learning curve, a thickening of the skin and another example of how wonderfully resilient and strong you are.
Pick yourself up, be good to yourself and be proud that you have stared rejection in the face and moved forward.

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Interesting Blog: The Real Super Mum blog

2011-08-17T12:36:00.001-07:00

I came across an interesting and informative blog today:

http://www.therealsupermumblog.com/

There's loads of interesting information and tips on there. Check it out...

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Tips for Life

2011-08-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Be happy being single.
Spring clean your life - declutter and get focused on your goals and how to reach your goals.Make sure goals are SMART. ie Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time Bound
Know that often, good things take time. Good trusting relationships take time, mastering a skill takes an appreciation and understanding..be patient. you'll get there.
Take control and find your voice. Do you believe that others' opinions matter more than your own? Why? Your ideas and opinions are just as valid as anyone else'. don't be afraid to speak up
Be prepared to be uncomfortable. Life is full of uncertainty - embrace it rather than fighting it. Accept that we are all in this uncertain world together and try your best to get along with it. Some things just cannot be controlled.
Push yourself out of your comfort zone. If you want to grow and figure out your strengths and weaknesses - do the things you fear or that you aren't 100% comfortable doing. It leads to confidence.
Learn to love yourself. You don't need designer goods to feel great. If you are glowing on the inside, it will show through no matter what you wear!
Know how to have a good time. Sometimes it's important to let your guard down and just have some fun!!!

M xx

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Short Sighted Parenting

2011-08-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

Many parents just do not seem to grasp to what extent their behaviour and attitudes affect their children - not just in the moment but for life. It worries me when I see how many children live their lives with an "entertain me" attitude. They complain about everything, want everything and do not treat others with respect. They also seem to think they know everything and can be incredibly opinionated.
Now, I would never knock confidence and a high level of self esteem but this is different - it is arrogance.
Parents seem to have gone 'soft'. I see many divorced and/or divorcing couples who seem to have lost all boundaries. They are so wrapped in up in their own guilt about the failure of their marriages and the break down of the family unit that they try to compensate by removing boundaries.
Children with no boundaries or consequences for unruly, disrespectful behaviour will become unpleasant people. Parents do their children a disservice by lacking consistency and a firm moral code.
I am not talking about being an authoritarian figure, that does not work either - everything should be negotiated. Children should understand though what it is they do that crosses the line between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and this should be non-negotiable.
I have watched teenagers tell their parents to "fuck off", tell them they are "useless"...refuse to talk to their parents because they would not buy them an item of clothing/handbag etc
The list goes on and it is disturbing.
Start with your own attitude - always treat others with respect, consideration and empathy. Expect it back. It's as simple as that...
M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

DO something...

2011-08-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

If you want to change your life you need to change how you think and change what you do. Self-help, personal change, being happy: it's up to you. No-one else.

You decide. This is the first step and it starts with you. Self-help and personal change starts with your realisation that it really is in your own hands, and your decision to do something about it. Be pro-active and DO something. Most people think about making changes but never actually DO it.

Your own self-belief is the key to successful life-change, achievement, contentment, and happiness.

Your own mind, particularly positive suggestion and visualisation, will develop your self-belief, and your determination to make successful change to your life.

Relaxation combined with positive 'self-talk' enables self-help.

Self belief is vital and if you don't champion yourself 100%, ask yourself why. If you don't do then who will?

Other people will not challenge how much you believe in yourself, they will accept it at face value. If you seem in control then others will deal with you as someone who knows what they are doing. This in turn feeds your confidence...

Start a list of things you would like to do to improve your life. It could be as simple as clearing out clutter in your home. Start with the easiest task on the list. Completing this will give you a psychological boost.

The more you do, the more empowered you will feel. Don't compare your progress to anyone else's - this is all about YOU!!

Write the list, tackle the items one at a time...feel and enjoy the accomplishment. Remember that doing something on that list puts you ahead of 90% of people who have good intentions but never act.

Get in there!

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Confidence - Brilliant Insight into getting more!

2011-08-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES OF WHAT YOU HAVE

There is always good AND bad to every situation. EVERY situation. Focus on the good of the situation you are in and the bad/negatives of what you don’t have. The default position for most people is to focus on the negatives of their situations and the positives of what they don’t have.

This is counterproductive and eats away at confidence. It is in your best interests to work in harmony with your circumstances and adapt your thinking.

For example, if you are in a relationship, you might find that you focus on all the negatives of being in a relationship and the positives of being single. How does that work for you? It doesn’t unless you make the decision to be single and take action.

Rather, to be more content, focus on the positives of being in a relationship: having a companion, having someone to do things with and talk to, not having to go to bars/pubs/clubs...whatever works for you. Think about the negatives of being single – having to make small talk and impress someone, the fear of rejection and so on.

This thinking will help you to feel a lot happier about your situation. It is a simple effective trick that can be applied to almost all situations. Alter your thinking to achieve an instant mood lift.

When your thoughts are aligned with what you are doing, there is cohesion which naturally promotes confidence.

DO NOT COMPARE TO OTHERS

This is self sabotaging and does not benefit you. It can work to motivate you and some comparison is natural but when it turns to comparing yourself negatively, this will affect your confidence and it is not helpful.

DO NOT ASSUME OTHERS HAVE A BETTER HAPPIER LIFE

You do not know what is really going on. This is dangerous thinking. Focus rather on bettering your own life and finding the true you –what makes you happy and allows you to feel “in the zone”

IMAGES ON THE SURFACE ARE OFTEN FAR REMOVED FROM WHAT IS GOING ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH POSITIVE INSPIRING PEOPLE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE

Positive energy is contagious!!

OCCUPY YOUR SENSES

When we feel vulnerable, our thinking can turn to worry and self doubt. Be aware of when you are in this mind frame and try to distract yourself. Engaging your senses stops you from over thinking and stressing out. By all means give your self ‘worry time’ but put a limit on this and then get back to being resolution focused..pro active. It is a myth that the more you worry the less likely it will be that problems surface.

M x

Controlling Abusive Relationship?

2011-08-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

I received an anonymous phone call today. The man on the other end appeared nervous at first. He mentioned that he had seen my video on You Tube (which is under the name "Texttonicuk in case you would like to view it) and wanted to know whether he was in an abusive controlling relationship.
He offered me further details on his situation.
He explained that his girlfriend enjoyed being controlled and that he wasn't sure that it was normal. I asked him to elaborate and he told me that she liked to be told what to do in just about every area of her life. What she eats, what she wears, what she watches on television etc. but the most disturbing 'confession' was that she likes to obtain permission to use the toilet. He said that she will deliberately drink a lot of liquid and will then ask his permission to go to the toilet.
He again asked me if this was "normal".
Actually, it doesn't matter what "normal" is in this case. As long as it involves 2 consenting adults who are not breaking the law or harming anyone, then it isn't a problem. He confirmed that he felt comfortable with the level of control he was permitted to exercise over his girlfriend and from what he told me, she seems to revel in the role playing as well.
It does beg the question as to what thinking processes lie beneath wanting to be dominated (and dominate) to that extent, but again, who am I to judge?
He seemed rather relieved when I told him that at this point, I did not see any benefits to them in seeking therapy. I did advise though that if the situation changes and one of them no longer wants to 'play', perhaps then they may need to re-examine roles and expectations.

M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Arguments and Anger

2011-08-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

Suzie was back today. She was supposed to see me this Friday but she had a row with her boyfriend last night and felt she couldn't cope today. Suzie and her boyfriend went out for dinner last night and the discussion inevitably turned to the future. Ironically , she has told me that there are times when she even wonders whether he is suited to her but then she feels she has invested so much in the relationship that she is hesitant to walk away - a catch 22 situation, dare I say.

Suzie told me how he had rolled his eyes and had become very defensive once more about labelling the status of their relationship. After sharing each others lives for 18 months now, Suzie feels he owes it to her to give her a sense of where they are headed. She wants marriage and kids and wants to know if he shares this vision too.
It appears that initially he did but the serious conversations have made him feel pressured and his defensive nature has swung into action. Suzie said she ended up in tears and slept in the spare bedroom last night as she was so angry at how the night had turned out.
When we explored Suzie's reactions and thoughts, it turned out that what she is ultimately scared of is not being loveable enough, or inadequate.
Every slight rejection she receives (whether it really is a rejection or just her perception is a moot point) fits in with her existing framework of thinking that she is "not good enough to be someone's wife".
We are working together to challenge this thinking and slowly, Suzie is making progress. She is more aware of her triggers, the ensuing emotions and is now able to pick out the thoughts, analyse and challenge them. She looks for facts to support her thinking rather than engaging in emotional reasoning (see "irrational thinking" post)..
Suzie left feeling a lot happier and we will catch up again next week.
M x

All names have been changed to protect the identity of clients. Personal client stories shared in this blog have been published with prior permission from the relevant clients.

Unrequited Love

2011-08-09T04:11:00.000-07:00

Boy...this is a tough one.I see many clients whose hearts have been broken. They love someone but their feelings have not been returned. What do you do in this situation?
One thing I always tell my clients is that you cannot control circumstances and you cannot control other people. The one thing you CAN control is your reaction to events, the way in which you perceive things and the behaviour of others.
When someone does not react in the way you would like/wish for, the best way to deal with it is to look at what you can do for yourself in order to feel better about the situation.
This takes many forms:
Nurture yourself and treat yourself - go for a massage, take a day off, do something that makes you smile. Buy that item of clothing you've been eyeing for the past few days. This will give you a feeling of being more in control.
Monitor your thinking...instead of telling yourself that you aren't loveable or that you will never find someone, tell yourself that things happen for a reason (being philosophical and maintaining perspective always help!), that perhaps this leaves you free to meet someone who really is suited to you and who will cherish and adore you.
It's all about looking inwards and finding resources within yourself rather than hankering for those needs to be met via someone else.
This leaves you in a place of powerlessness. Remind yourself that you are capable of giving yourself what you need with or without the person you want to love you.
Focus on you, improve yourself...empower yourself. It's the only way... M x

Interesting but disturbing. The Rosenhan Experiment

2011-08-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

The Rosenhan experiment was a famous experiment into the validity of psychiatric diagnosis conducted by psychologist David Rosenhan in 1973. It was published in the journal Science under the title "On being sane in insane places."^[1] The study is considered an important and influential criticism of psychiatric diagnosis.^[2]
Rosenhan's study was done in two parts. The first part involved the use of healthy associates or "pseudopatients" (three women and five men) who briefly simulated auditory hallucinations in an attempt to gain admission to 12 different psychiatric hospitals in five different states in various locations in the United States. All were admitted and diagnosed with psychiatric disorders. After admission, the pseudopatients acted normally and told staff that they felt fine and had not experienced any more hallucinations. Hospital staff failed to detect a single pseudopatient, and instead believed that all of the pseudopatients exhibited symptoms of ongoing mental illness. Several were confined for months. All were forced to admit to having a mental illness and agree to take antipsychotic drugs as a condition of their release. The second part involved an offended hospital challenging Rosenhan to send more pseudo-patients, whom its staff would then detect. No real patients were sent. Yet, out of 195 new patients in the following weeks, the staff identified 42 ordinary patients as impostors and suspected 48 more.
The study concluded, "It is clear that we cannot distinguish the sane from the insane in psychiatric hospitals" and also illustrated the dangers of dehumanization and labeling in psychiatric institutions. It suggested that the use of community mental health facilities which concentrated on specific problems and behaviors rather than psychiatric labels might be a solution and recommended education to make psychiatric workers more aware of the social psychology of their facilities.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosenhan_experiment

Under the weather

2011-08-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

I cancelled all my appointments today as I have been feeling very ill. Most of the day was spent in bed and so I will be playing 'catch up' tomorrow.
M x

The benefits of therapy

2011-08-06T16:01:00.001-07:00

Fantastic article:

From The Sunday Times

October 11, 2009

The benefits of counselling

As the hit American television series about therapy, In Treatment, reaches our shores, we could all benefit from some hours of self-examination

Sally Brampton

I used to think therapy was indulgent, or even wilfully narcissistic. I certainly didn’t think it was for me. That was before I was in sufficient emotional pain to seek it out. Having since benefited from it enormously, I now think of it as a necessary part of emotional health — if only because, at some point in our lives, many of us get stuck with a problem that seems intractable, or trapped in a cycle of destructive behaviour we can see no way out of. We tell ourselves the same stories over and over again, live according to scripts that were written long ago and are layered with years of history. We may not even understand that we are repeating destructive patterns. All we understand is the outcome — crippling emotional pain, sheer bewilderment (why another failed relationship? Why an inability to communicate with my mother?), inexplicable outbursts of anger (difficult, unresolved emotions have a habit of leaking out in ways that seem unconnected to the source), addiction (to try and medicate emotional distress), or bitterness because the lives we are forced to endure seem to be everybody’s fault but our own.

Talking to friends may be helpful, but friends are too emotionally attached to be objective. Their desire is to comfort, not to point out uncomfortable truths. Therapy is not comfortable, nor is it magic. It requires brutal emotional honesty and a willingness to take responsibility for our own behaviour. You can spend thousands, but if you’re not willing to engage, you may as well burn your money.

I hope that the new drama series In Treatment will help lessen the stigma attached to therapy, as it is still seen by some as an admission of weakness rather than a sensible investment in wellbeing and good relationships. Ten years ago, I mentioned to somebody that a friend was in therapy, and was soundly rebuked for revealing his “secret”. Had I said that he was seeing a specialist for a physical, rather than an emotional, problem, I have no doubt the response would have been very different.

Not all therapy is helpful, and nor are all therapists good, if only because what works for one person may make another run screaming from the room. My deepest fear is being overlooked or disregarded. Sit me in front of a psychoanalytical psychotherapist, whose training renders them essentially silent, and I go bonkers, literally. I need somebody who talks back. If a therapist doesn’t laugh at my jokes, I leave. Therapy, make no mistake, is a service industry. If you don’t like a therapist, go and find another. Interview (I use that word advisedly) two, three or even four until you find somebody with whom you feel comfortable. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) may be great for anxiety disorder or reactive depression (depression triggered by a difficult event), but for severe depressive disorder it’s pretty useless. Person-centred therapy is far more effective. Or at least that’s my experience.

Therapy — and finding the right therapist — has made my life happier, easier and more comfortable. These days, I understand my emotional patterns, and while I may not be able entirely to stop them (some are so deep-seated as to be entirely instinctive), I can at least challenge them.

I used to get tearful if somebody was even 10 minutes late. I had no idea why. It seemed so stupid and foolish in a full-grown woman. It took therapy to help me understand. When I was four years old, I was sent to school in Brazil. It was the third country in which I’d lived since I was born. At the school, they spoke only Portuguese and German. I spoke only English. One day, my mother was an hour late because her car broke down. The teacher tried to explain, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I thought, after all the disruption in my young life, that my mother had gone for ever.

I was distraught. These days, I don’t get tearful if somebody is 10 minutes late. But an hour? Forget it. I’m long gone.

In Treatment starts on October 5 at 10pm on Sky Arts1

HOW TO FIND A THERAPIST

by Julia Bueno, UKCP, Integrative psychotherapist

Although public investment and the approach to talking therapies are improving, most of us continue to seek help privately. GPs rarely have psychological support at their practice, and if they do, waiting lists can be achingly long and offer only a few sessions. Yet the task of sourcing help on your own can be very confusing. The government is in the process of regulating counselling and psychotherapy, but until its statutory register is live, possibly in early 2011, professional bodies, or a personal recommendation, remain the best ways to find a therapist.

The United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) and the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) have directories of registered/accredited therapists and clear guidance on how to choose them. Being a member will mean a practitioner has met fairly stringent training and experience requirements, and must abide by a code of ethics and a complaints procedure. If you want to complain, there’s a body to turn to for help.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/mental_health/article6863131.ece?token=null&offset=12&page=2

The distinction between counselling and psychotherapy is a hotly debated one among both professions. For now, one acceptable offering is that counselling refers to short-term work (perhaps only six weeks) that focuses on a particular goal, while psychotherapy refers to longer work (maybe months or years) that allows for a deeper exploration of issues. To complicate things, there are increasing numbers of theoretical approaches and styles of working. Whatever the approach, evidence suggests that a successful therapeutic encounter depends on the relationship between you, and your willingness to make a change.

Do ask about the cost and duration of sessions, plus any charges for cancelled appointments and holidays. If a session time isn’t convenient, or the fees are too high, find someone else. If things feel “wrong”, discuss this, and don’t imagine all other therapists will be the same. I saw a client who had seen a therapist who fell asleep in sessions and suggested going into business with him. It took 11 (expensive) sessions before he got the courage to leave.

BACP, bacp.co.uk; UKCP, psychotherapy.org.uk

HOW WAS IT FOR YOU?

“Listening, I think, is one of the most profound compliments that you can pay to another person. To feel that you’re heard is deeply fulfilling in a deep, human way.”

Gabriel Byrne, star of In Treatment

“Therapy can be a tremendous help. It can give you peace, help you overcome inner turmoil. Last year, when I had breast cancer, therapy kept me sane, strong, resilient.”

Trisha Goddard

“I was in therapy for years, and I learnt my parents should not be blamed for everything. Now the stage is my therapy. If I’m unhappy about something, I can laugh about it, and I come off stage happy.”

Joan Rivers

“As a novelist, I write because it’s cheaper than therapy. I did see a shrink briefly, but it quickly became clear to me that a cure means the loss of a client. You should feel slightly sceptical of a profession in which the customer is always wrong.”

Kathy Lette

How is that working for you??

2011-08-06T14:03:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) workshop led by Steve Hollon at Surrey University. He was inspirational and one of his catch phrases that he uses with clients is "how is that working for you?" I love this sentence as it helps clients focus on behaviour that generally isn't working for them. When they break it down they soon realise that some of their behaviours are counterproductive. When they try to analyse the benefits and find that there are no obvious ones, a shift in thinking takes place.
Many of us self sabotage or hold on to behaviour out of habit rather than for the benefits they bring us. It can be so routine that we don't even question why we do things or react the way we do. A shake up brings uncertainty but also the promise of greater fulfilment.
Take an audit - what behaviour do you engage in that isn't working for you? Are you in a dead-end relationship? Do you avoid looking after yourself preferring the unhealthy alternative? Why?
How is that working for you??

M x

Irrational Thinking

2011-08-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

There are many types of irrational thinking. Usually, they do not work for us, they work against us and they serve to maintain distorted ideas and core beliefs that we have obtained throughout our lives.
Often, on an unconscious level we have a need to maintain our core beliefs even when they bring is grief and serve no benefits whatsoever.
Why do we do it? Irrational thinking can assist in maintaining the 'mental status quo'..if we admit that there is an error in our thinking this will mean we will have to change our thinking to prevent something known as 'cognitive dissonance' (more on this in later posts).
Kasper came to see me yesterday and was full of irrational thinking. Examples: I am never going to be any good at relationships. Women just don't like me". This is known as overgeneralisation. I had to ask Kasper whether it was really true that not one woman in the past ever, had liked him?
As he thought about it, a smile crept across his face and I knew we were making progress.
Other types of irrational thinking (we all do it - see if you can identify any that you use)
1) Overgeneralisation
2) All or nothing thinking..using words like "always" and "never"
3) Mental Filter - focusing on a single negative aspect
4) Discounting the positive
5) Jumping to conclusions
6) Mind Reading/Making assumptions without facts
7) Magnification - exaggerating the importance of something unnecessarily
8) Emotional reasoning - I feel therefore I am..eg I feel hopeless so I must be hopeless
9) "Should" statements
10) Labelling - an extreme form of 'all or nothing' thinking
11) Personalisation and Blame - holding yourself responsible that can't possibly be all your fault.

Being aware of the above types of thinking is the first step to decreasing their influence and regularity in your mind.
M x

Recommended Reading: The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns

Emotional Intelligence

2011-08-05T14:59:00.000-07:00

There are many different facets to intelligence. Emotional intelligence or EQ, is very different from the standard concept of intelligence. Did you know that a person can be highly intelligent academically but can have a very low EQ? A good example of this is someone who suffers from autism. Often, their brain will be exceptionally adept at working out equations and being logical yet when it comes to relating to others, they are at a loss.
A person with adequate emotional intelligence is able to take into account the existence and power of emotions. EQ refers to the effectiveness of an individual's response to his/her own feelings and emotions and to those of others. A person with high EQ is very adept at understanding and properly responding in an appropriate way to nuances of social situations.
EQ goes a long way to maintaining healthy personal relationships.

M x

Love Addiction

2011-08-05T07:57:00.000-07:00

Currently, I see numerous clients suffering from love addiction. The following characteristics/causes are common:
This addiction often stems from a lack of a nurturing relationship when growing up. Perhaps parents were inconsistent with care, did not show love etc...this deficiency can lead to distorted brain development which in turn leads to dysfunctional thinking patterns. (the synapses do not connect correctly).
When someone with a love addiction enters into a relationship, they tend to idolise their partner, they fantasise and become emotionally attached very quickly. They place an inordinate amount of importance on love relationships and feel incomplete without a partner.
There is also a tendency to trade sexual favours for love. Many love addicts confuse love and lust.
The need for security overrides many other needs and the greatest fear is abandonment and rejection.
Severe cases of love addiction can end up becoming stalkers.
Even when a relationship is abusive, a love addict will want to stay - this is often due to a lack of self esteem and is tied in with a lack of love as a child.
Therapy focuses on taking back control, living with and facing the uncertainty of life and finding alternative ways to find the security they crave.
Recommended Reading: The Love Trap - Annie Bennett

M x

Difficult Relationships and Commitment

2011-08-05T04:28:00.000-07:00

There's a myriad of reasons why relationships fail. Tears were shed on the proverbial couch today by Suzie. She wants commitment, she wants marriage and her boyfriend doesn't seem to want the same things. Time and time again I have witnessed this with my clients (and in my personal life). A woman likes to label the relationship, a man doesn't. In my opinion, if a man keeps coming around (this could apply to women too) then there should be no great need to define the relationship. Especially not for the first year anyhow. Once a woman tries to define the relationship and mentions the dreaded "C" word, the man invariably starts feeling trapped. He conjures up images of financial responsibility, of losing choice and this frightens him. I am referring to men here but this is becoming more common with women too.
If a woman leaves him to feel free, a man will be much happier to keep coming around. Then suddenly, it will gradually dawn on him that he enjoys being with his partner...he will grow fond of having her presence in his life and might perhaps even fall in love with her.
So, sit back, relax and see the bigger picture. As long as things seem to progressing in a good direction then all should be well in your world..
No one likes pressure and you're more likely to get what you want by behaving in a laid back manner.
Trust me - it works

M x

Tough Thursday

2011-08-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day and bed is calling. I saw three clients today - two females and one male. Coincidentally, all three came to see me about their relationships. Men and women communicate at odds it seems. Not always but it there are definitely inherent differences in the way we get our messages across. Men take a solution focused approach and seek answers to the problems whereas women tend to find that just talking, bonding and empathising - knowing that someone 'gets' you can be enough to soothe.
Common problems in relationships often stem from a lack of communication. A deeper communication than "have you seen my keys?" or "we have run out of milk"...
Communication falls by the wayside, assumptions start to be made, goodwill is eroded and the downward spiral begins. Sadly, couples usually come to see me when it's too late. By then, there is such a toxic atmosphere and trying to restore goodwill can be a mammoth and near impossible task.
First female client (let's call her Julie)cannot decide whether to stay with her current partner or not. She fears she is settling but cannot decide if she is being too harsh and critical. When is working on a relationship too much like hard work?
This will be revisited in future sessions with Julie.
Second female client is with another female but wonders if perhaps she should return to a male partner and make her parents proud. She feels she is not living up to their expectations..more about Layla (fictitious name) in future blogs too.
Finally, Matthew was my last client today. Matthew feels he gets angry with his partner and feels he needs to find ways to cope with this. he worries his partner will leave him if he does not learn to control his temper. Good work accomplished today. I feel progress has been made.

Night night

Mandy x

Common Problems

2011-08-04T07:51:00.000-07:00

Clients seek help for a variety of issues that are as diverse as life itself. Anything from low self esteem to phobias to relationship problems. I have found that many problems are created in childhood. Children who are suppressed in some form or another by adults in their lives (parents, teachers, significant care givers)and are not allowed to express themselves (emotionally, verbally) often turn into adults with dysfunctional thinking patterns.
Therapy can help to identify distorted thinking and to challenge and replace old outdated core beliefs with new ways of thinking that better serve an individual. We all have so many thoughts racing through our minds at any given moment. Many of these thoughts are so ingrained, so 'part' of us that we accept them unquestioningly. It is these thoughts though that can be inhibiting our experience as adults and preventing us from reaching our full potential.
There is still so much to be explored and explained when it comes to human behaviour. It is a subject of never ending fascination as far as I am concerned!

Mandy x

First Blog..Confidentiality Issues

2011-08-04T05:45:00.000-07:00

I am a counsellor and therapist and have had many requests to elucidate what goes on in therapy. It remains a mystery to a large number of people and my hope is that this blog will make therapy less secretive and more accessible to the public.
Due to confidentiality issues, I may not divulge specific information about people such as their names, addresses and so on. Any specific client-related information shared in this blog will have been shared with prior consent from my clients. Names/Dates and places will be changed to protect identities but the stories are all real. This blog is about real life, unfolding as it happens...

Mandy x

See my other blog: www.texttonic.blogspot.com
Follow me on Twitter: texttonic
Websites: www.mandyjane-lifedesign.com
www.askmandy-onlineadvicecolumn.com